Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.

There is a photograph on the mantelpiece in the house on Cedar Street, Grace Park, that Grace Anchors has been looking at her entire life.It is not a remarkable photograph by any external standard. A woman in her early twenties, standing in front of a building. The building is Bliss Hall — the first Bliss Hall, the one in upstate New York that was repurposed from a university campus and that now exists only in archive photographs and the memories of the women who trained there. The woman is wearing the uniform of the first cohort: navy, imprecise, the program’s aesthetic not yet fully developed in those early years. Her posture is perfect. Her expression is composed.
Her name was Margaret Anchors. She was Grace Anchors’s grandmother. She was in the first class — Cohort Alpha, 2089. She was twenty-two years old in the photograph and she is eighty-one now and lives in the same house she has lived in for fifty-five years, in the Grace Park community that was built around the original Bliss Hall facility, and she still has the posture.
Grace Anchors has been looking at this photograph since she was old enough to stand in front of the mantelpiece and understand that the woman in it was the reason for everything.
The reason for the house. The reason for her mother, who was also a Grace, class of 2112, who met Grace’s father in the program and raised nine children in the house on Cedar Street that Margaret had built and that had been in the family since before the concept of a family-in-Grace-Park was a standard thing rather than an experimental one. The reason for the program itself, in a sense — not that Margaret Anchors had invented it, but that she was in the first cohort that proved it could work, that what the program was trying to do was possible, that the thing it was building would hold.
The reason, also, for the weight.
Grace Anchors is seventeen years old and she is standing in front of the Bliss Hall arch with her acceptance folder in her hands, and she is thinking about the photograph. She is thinking about the fact that her grandmother stood somewhere very like this place fifty-six years ago, in a different uniform, with a different kind of uncertainty. She is thinking about her mother, who stood at a different arch twenty years ago, with the specific certainty of a legacy Grace who had been preparing her whole life.
She is thinking about the fact that she has also been preparing her whole life.
She is thinking about whether preparation is the same as choosing.
She is going to spend the next year finding out.
The new Grace wives sit. They are waiting, fingertips in laps, the skirts of their uniforms pressed flat and perfect on the upholstery. They are waiting for their keepers. They are waiting for the doors to open; for the footsteps, the sound of boots on parquet.
Grace Anchors. Grace Donnelly. Grace Sable. There is a sweetness in the way their names match, as if a ribbon has been tied around each girl—not tight, not cruel, but sure, claiming her. They look at each other sometimes, but mostly at the light, at their shoes, at their folded hands. They love their men.
They liked their men for this: the way a group of them could stride into a room full of uncertainty and, by the simple act of arrival, organize the air. There was a hush, a shifting of posture, a sense that the world collected itself at the shoulders of these boys, almost men, who wore their new confidence like navy wool. The Grace wives, legs together and eyes lowered, felt it first as a flutter—some wild trill in the body, like the rundown of a tuning fork—and then as a calm. It was not so much the force of command as the clarity with which they moved: pick up the glass, pour the drink, gesture for your girl to rise. You could rely on them to know which door to open, what time to leave, how to fill a moment that might otherwise hang with questions. In the old stories, men like these would have been called keepers of order, shepherds of lost things. Here, now, in the inner dim of the Bliss Hall’s company room, they were simply keepers, but the girls felt watched over in the older, deeper sense.
The Graces prized their keepers for this, though no one would say so aloud. If you asked Grace Anchors—who could admit to everything except discontent—she’d phrase it as “knowing the next step.” If you asked Donnelly, you’d get a breathless, overfull “He just gets it, you know?” and if you pressed Sable, she’d say nothing, but allow herself a secret smile too soft to be a smirk. They all recognized the quality, so rare in girls’ houses, of a boy who could read what was needed and supply it instantly, without a moment’s show.
In the rituals of the program, this quality was called guidance. Sometimes it was a lifting of the chin, a touch to the back of the arm, a word in the corridor pitched low so only the intended could hear it. Sometimes, after dinner, it was more direct: a keeper would take his Grace by the fingertips and lead her to the library, the theater, the music room. The rules said always in pairs, always under the cameras, but the intimacy was real: two bodies learning the weight and chemistry of togetherness. Even the air felt different when you were alone in a room with your man—the dust motes swirled more slowly, the daylight held its breath.
What the girls learned, quickly enough, was that this certainty extended into the private curriculum, the part no one ever wrote down but every Grace heard about by the third or fourth year. There was a choreography to it: the keepers would wait until the door latched, then approach as if on cue. They would bend close, not with hunger, but with a kind of deliberate patience, as if the act of wanting were a thing to be savored and catalogued before it was ever acted upon. The first touch would hover just above the skin, a study in restraint. Then, when permission was clear—sometimes signaled by nothing more than the Graces’ closing their eyes, or a breath caught in the chest—the keepers proceeded.
One by one, each Keeper reached across the space to his, what, charge? Cohort mate? The word never seemed right. Ryan for Donnelly, Carter for Anchors, Jorden for Sable. The movement had become familiar: a hand extended, the unmistakable invitation, and then each girl rising. As if on cue, she would step toward him, and his hand would settle at her waist. Not possessive, not quite gentle either—a professional’s steadiness, practiced and correct—and then the two of them moved through the corridor, back to her room. She liked the certainty of it. He was in control.
They were gentle—they would set two fingers, carefully, just at the edge of desire, working higher, as if foreplay were a kind of patient search. The girls were tested in this, too; they were meant to learn the difference between acquiescence and invitation, meant to distinguish between a touch that was duty and a touch that was pure gift. In this way, both were being trained: the men in the specifics of consent, the girls in the art of letting themselves be seen wanting.
The kissing that followed was its own part, its own step, precise and loving. Never rushed, never careless. It could last five, ten, twenty minutes—lips parted, mouths tasting, hands always in sanctioned places. The keepers had been told to memorize the lines of the face, the scent at the nape of the neck, the sound a girl made when the kiss went from polite to necessary. The girls, for their part, were to learn how to lean into it, how to answer pressure with pressure, how to take a lead and build on it rather than simply follow. Everyone knew the goal, but the path mattered more. By the time the moment arrived, it had already been rehearsed a hundred ways.
The men did not pause or look back; there was no hesitation, only the methodical gesture at the heart of it: they took their wives, newly married, and lifted them carefully, hands steady behind the knees and at the waist, never hurried but never loose, as if deliberate motion was the only motion that would do. They carried them over the threshold, as if that boundary truly marked the start of something, and brought each wife to the bedroom, to the waiting bed. The men kept the wives close, always together, one hand steadying the newness, the other keeping the pair linked, as if the carrying itself was the lesson: you do this as a pair, and together you keep what needs keeping. The girls understood it; it was not something they said aloud, but the knowledge was there, settled somewhere behind the eyes. The world was not yet full; the houses rang with emptiness, and the future weighed itself there, quietly, on girls who knew how it felt to be held, and boys who had practiced the holding.
First there was the ritual and then there was the unraveling—what the Graces understood as the next unspoken step. It began as every story in the place began, with hands and fabric and a studied patience, but now, with the girls and the boys alone in their room, the air seemed charged, almost wet with anticipation. The girls did not speak, but their excitement communicated itself in the slight, involuntary tremors of their legs, the way they pressed their knees together. It was not embarrassment. It was hunger, disguised as composure.
Mr. Ryan reached her first. He was only twenty, but there was nothing unfinished in him: tall, easy in his body, every movement sure. He sat down beside her on the bed, hands snug at her shoulders; his thumbs moved up against the soft cotton at her collarbone, moving without thought, a small unconscious circling. Grace Donnelly was the one to move first. She smiled, quick and certain, animal and bright, and let herself be guided as he turned her and bent her gently over his knees. It had started years before, during chase-and-capture at Bliss Hall in her second year. The Graces were let out into the full sweep of the lawns and clipped gardens – twenty acres for hiding, and a half-hour later, the keepers loosed to find them. Graces ran, keepers hunted them down, and sometimes, if you were caught, and graces always wanted to be caught, you were toppled by the grass and the keeper gave you a light, ritual fanny swat. Ryan had cornered her every time, and every time they ended up on the ground, his hand warm at the bottom of her bottom cheeks, pressing her just so, never too hard. That was the game: the sharp light sting, the slow pressure at her spine, the control of his hand, and what it did to her. The first time, her answer had been pure delight. He had never paddled her too hard, just enough for her to want it. She loved the way he did it: the small pressure along her spine, the gentle turn and command of her keeper’s palm.
Next: Anchors. The legacy, Grace. Her mother and grandmother, both from the program; she, the only one to have grown up in a house packed with siblings. Her husband called her Mrs. Carter. She did not correct him. She was fully Grace, from the first through the marrow. His hand settled at the base of her throat, fingers resting gently in the hollow there.
Anchors was different. Of all the Graces, she was the least physically expressive; when she felt pleasure, if she felt anything, it showed in the clench of her jaw and in the slow, exact bend of her back. She met the act stubbornly, on her terms, not yielding by reflex, not giving too soon. But with Carter, her assigned companion and, now, her husband—the one whose longing edged so close to desperation it looked painful in daylight—the pattern shifted, but not quickly.
With him, Anchors learned to open, not in a single motion, but in careful increments. Over weeks, through slow and deliberate negotiation, and through his steady murmurings that he was hers and she was his, by law and the program and the simple choreography of their bodies, she moved. It was not easy. It was not obvious. But it was real.
Vacation came. For two nights, the program kept them apart. The reason was an administrative error, or maybe a compliance check. Anchors did not sleep. She did not eat. She waited, tensed, until she was given permission to return. Then, in Carter’s bed, she clung to him—the fit of her body trembling.
“I wish you could be inside me all the time. I love so much it hurts,” she whispered that night. There was no irony in it. Carter, so big and gentle, nearly broke open from her honesty. He waited for her to finish, then pressed inside her, careful, slow, until she gasped. It was the first time she felt content.
After, he said, “It’s ok, baby. I’m never going to let you go. We’re going to be together forever.” He was holding her, and she let it happen; she did not move away when his hand shifted, gathering a piece of her hair between his fingers, smoothing it down. There was nothing in her face when his mouth found that hovering point at the edge of her lips. She let the moment lie between them, and in that moment she saw it: The purpose of the program was not only children, not only housefuls and rosters and lists pinned up in tidy columns. It was also this. The knowledge that someone else would hold your hunger for you, even while you were still learning how to hold it yourself. The knowledge that you could let yourself be wanted – not perform it or bargain for it, but simply be as you were, every need showing – and be kept, just like this, without a shield.
Sable’s man went around the room, thinking about it – you could tell from the way he walked, how his hands were steady, how he paused near the bed to look at her a moment before he stooped and put her there, careful. He was careful with her. That was the pattern of it. He was thinking about how close to be, and where to touch, and what she would want, and what he could risk. Little Sable was – in some ways – the most interesting girl. She had come from journey Lambda house. So she was an orphan. She had belonged to the program since she was four years old. That was how they did it. Sable was eighteen now; she had never lived anywhere except Bliss Project. She had always known this was what girls did: you grew up, and the program picked a boy, and he belonged to you, and you belonged to him, and you married, and you loved him, and you were meant to become a good mother. That was the pattern. She did not question it. It fit her from the beginning.
Her keeper—the boy they picked for her—was soft, even gentle, it was said, more gentle than most. He cared for Sable; he was good at it; he was proud of her. The word some people whispered was “child bride,” but she was not underage, she was eighteen. It was just that she seemed new to the world—a kind of innocence that did not leave her. There was something stubborn underneath – it surprised him sometimes, how she said no, how she wanted to see what boundary he would actually set – but even so, he liked to be steady. He liked to be strong, and he liked to be the one who set the rhythm: when Sable would come, and how, and what they would do. Sable let him. Sable liked to let him. That was her secret. She liked rules. She liked being told what her place was. Sometimes she liked to push, just to make him remind her. Every night she would say it: “Call me your best little love lamb,” and he would, even if he laughed, even if he had to press his mouth into her shoulder so she wouldn’t see. That was what she wanted: for him to choose her, to want her, to take care of her, to keep her, and for her to be good for him. That was what was real for Sable.
After, she could be small with him. She could let it all out. Sometimes, in the quiet, when he was tired and touching her on the back, slow, she would cry a little. Not so he would notice. Just a few tears, there and gone. There were not words for it, not really. Sable could not say it to herself, not in the real way – words were too complicated, she did not always know what the right word was. But the feeling was real, in her. When he said, “you’re perfect, you’re my favorite girl,” she could not stand it, it broke her up, she would do anything, even the little things that made her blush or want to hide, just to hear it again. That was the pattern. She would do anything for that.
None of the girls had been told what, precisely, would happen the first night, but all of them had an idea; all of them had spent months preparing, in the way a swimmer prepares for cold water, by imagining the shock and then plunging anyway. There was no shock. Or rather, it was a different shock: not the pain or fear of the old cautionary stories, but a species of thrill so powerful it made the whole body alert, as if every cell were ringing. When the men leaned in—when their mouths found the space just below the jaw, the brush of collarbone, the hollow at the breast—the girls tilted their heads back, closed their eyes, and let the sensation gather.
The entering was slow, almost ceremonial. The men made a point of it: positioning themselves, lining up with such precision that the Graces felt not only entered, but deliberately claimed, as if a flag had been planted at the center of them. The men would pause at the moment of first contact, hovering just at the opening, waiting for some sign—an exhale, a clutch at the wrist, a breathless yes—before proceeding. And when they did, they did not thrust, not at first, but pressed in gradual increments, letting the body open itself in its own time. The Graces shivered. Some of it was nerves, but most was anticipation, the delicious certainty that something was about to happen that could never be undone, could never be unlived.
They wanted it. They wanted it in a way that made the rest of the world fade, that made every other ambition or hope seem like a faint and childish cousin to this new necessity. To be possessed, yes, but also to possess: to hold on, to draw in, to make a space for what was coming. The Graces loved sex, or the idea of it, or the idea of what it would make them—real women, mothers, precious and wanted in a way that left nothing out. They loved the fullness, the warmth, the slow building of pressure and motion. They loved the sweat on the brow of their keepers and the way their own skin tingled, electric under the hands that gripped at their waist and thigh.
And when the movement became rhythmic, when the keepers found their pace and began to guide their girls with soft words and firmer hands and the growing urgency of their breath, the Graces did not shrink or turn away. They leaned into it. They met the rhythm and gave it back. They learned, in the space of those first minutes, that the body could answer a question before the mind had even formed it.
They had, as promised, extraordinary orgasms, each more astonishing than the last—a phenomenon that, in the early days, became a source of both fascination and grim amusement among the girls, a private currency for comparing notes and measuring progress against the theoretical standards of the archive. The orgasms began in the thighs, in the trembling of the knees, and in the cupped heat between the legs, but rapidly overtook the entire body in a kind of seismic rush, a flooding upward that was at once breath and breaking wave and something unnamed, the wordless quiver that persisted even after their men had withdrawn and the dampness between their legs had begun to cool. The girls loved it—of course they did, how could they not—but the pleasure was not only or even primarily the point. What they loved, often more than the sensation itself, was the containment, the smallness: the sense that within those moments, under the weight of a man’s body and the insistent rhythm of his hips, they had become exactly as they were meant to be, perfectly shaped to the act and the partner, as if the rest of their lives had been an awkward, unspooling preamble to this.
Grace Sable had never been certain whether the world expected much from her, but she was painfully attuned to what it demanded one day at a time. The routines of wifehood and motherhood, of Grace Park neighborliness, had settled over her like a heavy, well-worn quilt—sometimes comforting, sometimes suffocating, always impossible to remove. She had been raised to the rhythms of obedience: first to an absent mother and then to her keeper-husband, Jordan, whose very name and presence seemed engineered to stabilize her. He rarely made a request she could not anticipate, yet she still waited for him to state his preference, never trusting her instincts fully. Sable knew other girls who chafed at the program’s choreography, who snuck out for midnight cigarettes or hoarded forbidden books in locked drawers. For her, there was no urge to resist. There was only the strange safety in repetition, the daily reassurance that someone else would decide what happened next.
This was not to say she was simple, or dull. Sable had a mind made for wandering, a dreamer’s capacity for invention—she had, after all, been a star in the Bliss Hall art studio, her murals the talk of three prefect generations. But she had never learned the art of translating her desires into plans. Even in the painting studio, she waited for the assignment, the frame, the prompt. She had married Jordan with the same passivity; he had been assigned to her, she to him, the ritual of their first night as prescribed and inevitable as a change in season. She discovered herself in his arms the way a child discovers a name written on the inside of a jacket: astonished by having been claimed, by the gentle certainty of belonging.
Jordan had never abused this. If anything, he regarded her deference as a kind of sacred trust. He was by disposition a patient, almost monastic man—tall, quietly amused, and unshakably kind, with the sort of deliberate movements that suggested endless time. He handled every domestic errand, every meeting with the Grace Park council, every dispute with the neighbors or the children with a calm so deep it might have been mistaken for detachment. He approached Sable with the same gentle circumspection. If she asked him what to buy or what to cook or what color to paint the bathroom, he offered opinions but never directives. Even in bed, though he liked to set the pace, he listened for her smallest signals: a shiver, a twitch in the thigh, a half-swallowed sound that meant yes or maybe or please. She was certain he loved her—she could see it in the way he wrapped her, after, in the sweated tangle of limbs, or how he pressed kisses to the top of her scalp as if muting some private blessing—but the possibility of disappointing him was unbearable. She would rather do nothing than do the wrong thing.
It was after her fifth child that Jordan, in a moment of rare insistence, suggested a vacation. The children would be safe at the nursery—every Grace Park child was, in the off-seasons, rotated through the grounds of the old Bliss Hall, where they ran wild over the quads and returned at night to the careful arms of the dorm matrons. She could have a week—an entire week, he promised—to herself. No chores, no child-minding, no obligations except to rest and, if she wanted, paint. Sable was paralyzed by the idea. She could not remember a single day in which her time belonged only to herself. She thought at first that it was a trick, a test she would fail by wanting it too much. Jordan insisted. He made the arrangements, packed her bag, and when the day came, all but carried her to the front gate, kissing her forehead and telling her not to worry about a thing. “I’ll have dinner ready when you return,” he said, and when she looked at him in mute terror, he added, “I mean it, Grace Sable. Rest. I’ll take care of everything else.”
She walked the four blocks to the old Bliss Hall in a daze, the absence of the children’s weight on her hips and arms feeling like a phantom limb. There was no one to ask what she wanted for lunch, or which route to take along the walking path, or whether she preferred sweet or savory in her tea. The other vacationers—mothers mostly, some older, a handful of new pairs still in their first months of cohabitation—looked at her with practiced sympathy. They recognized the type: the woman for whom idleness was a foreign language, for whom a full hour to sit and do nothing was as bracing as a plunge into cold water. Sable tried to mimic their ease. She visited the studio, signed up for a painting slot, but found herself paralyzed in front of the blank canvas, unable to begin. She retreated to her room, sat on the edge of the bed, and tried to remember if she had ever liked being alone.
It was on the third day that something shifted. She woke in the morning to the smell of fresh bread—someone, perhaps a staffer, had left a basket of warm rolls at her door. The unexpectedness of it—unasked, unearned—made her laugh. She ate all three rolls, buttered and sugared, in bed, and when she went to the painting studio, she did not wait for an assignment. She picked up a brush and started. The work was wild, imprecise, nothing like the careful murals she’d done for the school or the clinics. She painted only for herself, with no one to judge the colors. It was not good, but it was freeing, and at the end of the session she scrubbed her hands clean and walked the campus paths, dawdling over the flower beds, letting herself dip fingers into the spray of the fountain, unhurried for the first time since she could remember.
In the evenings, the other mothers gathered in the dining hall, drinking herbal tea and comparing notes on programs, , men. Sable did not say much. She watched and listened. She was surprised to learn that other Graces envied her—envied the steadiness of her Jordan, his kindness, even his restraint. She had always assumed that the more fiery Graces, the ones who fought with their men or challenged the rules, were happier, more alive. But they looked tired, some of them. They spoke of arguments or misunderstandings, of men who did not listen, of children who inherited every stubbornness. Sable thought of her own children: the oldest, a boy with Jordan’s calm and her dreaminess, already so gentle with the babies; the little girl with spiral curls who wanted every hug to last forever. She missed them, but not with the panic of the first day. She realized she would see them soon enough, and until then, she was permitted to be only herself.
On the sixth night, Sable dreamed of Jordan. In the dream, she was a child again, and he was not her husband but a kind of guardian, a figure half remembered and half invented. He knelt beside her at a sandbox, showing her how to build a tower not with force but by letting the grains find their shape. She woke with a start, the image of his hands—steady, patient, unhurried—lingering in her mind. She wanted, desperately, to see him. She counted the hours until her return.
On the seventh day, she walked home. She did not run, did not hurry; she stopped to buy a coffee at the little market, and even tried on a scarf at the thrift store, giggling at her own reflection before putting it back. When she arrived at the house, the children were not waiting at the window as she had imagined. They were with Jordan, out in the yard, building a model of the solar system from twine and painted cardboard orbs. She watched them for a minute, unnoticed, and felt something strange and new: not pride, not love exactly, but a happiness so acute it hurt. Jordan saw her and smiled, waving her in with a gesture so familiar she nearly wept.
Inside, the house was immaculate. Dinner was already simmering, the table set for five. Sable dropped her bag and went to the kitchen, where Jordan was chopping carrots with surgical precision, his back turned. She wrapped her arms around him from behind, pressing her cheek to the soft cotton of his shirt. He stopped, set down the knife, and covered her hands with his own.
“You did it,” he said softly, as if this had been the plan all along. “You had a week for yourself.”
Sable nodded. The words would not come. She just held on, letting him support her weight, letting herself be as small or as large as she needed.
That night, when the children were asleep, Sable led Jordan into the bedroom. She was the one to undress him. She was the one to ask, to say yes, to direct. At first he was startled, then amused, then deeply, almost reverently moved. He let her touch him, let her say what she wanted, which was only for him to make her feel as full, as real, as cherished as she had ever felt. He did. Afterwards, he held her close, kissing the shell of her ear, her temple, her damp lashes. They did not speak; there was nothing urgent to say, only the hush that comes at the end of a storm.
In the morning, Sable woke first. She watched the dawn press in at the window, watched the way it gilded the world. she was home she loved her home now more than before the separation made her feel the longing better. .
All three of them—Donnelly, Anchors, Sable—discovered that the pleasure of sex was, in its way, inseparable from the pleasure of being remade, over and over, for the benefit of another. They had their jealousies and their moments of comparison, their second-guessing, but the act itself was its own engine, its own proof of something primal and rarely spoken aloud.
For Sable, it began as a slow, almost imperceptible unfolding. The first night was awkward, the two of them moving with a kind of nervous courtesy, over-polite in their attempts not to trespass. Jordan, patient as always, asked her what she liked, waited for her to answer, and when she couldn’t, he simply held her and let the silence stretch until she felt safe enough to speak. By the end of the first week, their rhythms had synchronized, her body learning the language of his touch and its own counterpoint. She learned that pleasure could come from surrender, but also from the small, secret resistances: a hand that lingered longer than it should, a kiss that refused to soften, a whispered no that meant not now, not yet, not until you really want it. Sex remade her into a woman, and her Jorden was her first and only love of her life. Sometimes, she would find herself crying, not from pain or fear, but from the overwhelming knowledge that she was seen, fully and utterly, with no place left to hide. In these moments, Jordan would simply cradle her, his hands stroking her hair, and wait. There was time.
Anchors, by contrast, entered her marriage with the expectation of disappointment. She had read the old books, heard the stories passed down through the Bliss Hall archives, and assumed that sex was something to be endured—a necessity, a transaction, a tax on the privilege of partnership. Her Keeper, Carter, did nothing to dispel this at first. He was courteous, even clinical, in his attentions, as if following an instruction manual one careful page at a time. But Anchors, whose mind was tuned always to the frequency of the unspoken, sensed a current running beneath the surface: something raw, almost savage, straining against the dam of his self-restraint.
She began to test him. First by degrees, then by increments so small they could not be calibrated. She dressed in the old Archive uniforms, crisp collar or half-unbuttoned, sometimes only the weight of history between her and the cool air. She served dinner with nothing underneath, sometimes pressing so close he must have seen; sometimes she folded paper, slipped the note into his pocket, a dare scrawled in her hand: take what you want.
For a time, he held. Then, one night, the balance shifted. He caught her by the wrists, pressed them to the headboard. He bit the inside of her thigh, harder than before, harder than either had planned, hard enough to mark. He tore at her uniform, at her panties with his teeth, fabric giving way in a heartbeat. He moved against her with deep, hard thrusts—a rhythm wholly owned, not measured or careful or precise. She was in ecstasy, a whole woman loved entirely by her man. And in that moment, she felt it—a current, white-bright, more electric than anything prior. After, she wept. Not from shame, but from relief—the dizzy, unsettling relief of having made him lose control. You don’t have to be careful with me, she said, and he listened: he believed her.
Donnelly, as ever, was perhaps the most self-contained of the trio—not cold, but saturated with satisfaction, and never in surrender. Her pleasure was in contest. She and Ryan entered it at once, neither waiting for a signal or a turn; the game, for them, began in every glance, every calculated provocation, and it escalated, at each move, into something more intense. They had rules and broke them. Sometimes they set the terms explicitly, sometimes implicitly, with the rules themselves just another piece on the board. They kept score with a precision bordering on the forensic; it was not about who won. It was about keeping the game alive.
Sometimes they would circle for hours. No touching. Conversation, laughter, or just silence, letting anticipation stretch and stretch—as if the real contest was to see who would break first and reach, or who would admit wanting. When they did collide, it was always sudden, a frenzy after the drought: teeth, nails, a sound that was not quite laughter but might have been. She wore her zebra tights from ballet; he noticed, every time, and would seize her, flip her across his knee, and spank her, neat and fast, just a few brisk strikes with the paddle against her ass. That was always enough. The effect was immediate, arousal unmistakable.
Afterwards, Donnelly would sprawl on the bed, gleaming with sweat, grin baring her teeth, and say, “That was good. You’ll have to try harder tomorrow.” Ryan, already reconstructing the next escalation, would kiss her knuckles, as if to confirm a treaty.
The men knew it, too; they could see, in the way the women responded, how desperately the world had been waiting for this permission, this mutual legitimacy. They learned to read the signs, to calibrate their approach, to savor the slow build and not just the finish. Sometimes they used their hands, sometimes their mouths; sometimes, when the girls preferred it, they would delay the moment for the sake of seeing the Graces tremble, arch, and beg. There were no secrets, not really, not after the first week. Everything was permitted, so long as it was wanted, and the girls learned that wanting was not a crime but a virtue—evidence that they were, finally, alive in the way everyone said they would be.
What none of them could have predicted was how quickly the program’s old taboos would invert. Not just about sex, but about desire itself. The Graces learned to name what they wanted, not just in the bedroom but everywhere else: they argued over chores, over seating at dinner, over who would get the morning walk and who would linger with the children. They took up hobbies, selfishly, just for the sake of it—painting, running, repair work, even writing, though the journals were supposed to be private. If there was guilt, it was only the guilt of having waited so long to begin.
Even the children, still young, felt the difference. Their mothers came to them with a new softness, a patience that came not from obligation but from the knowledge that someone else would hold them, too, if they needed to be held. They ran wild in the morning and collapsed at night, sticky and exhausted, their bodies marked with the evidence of living: grass stains, smudged ink, sunburns, scabs. Sometimes, as Sable rocked her youngest to sleep, she wondered if this—this absolute, unfiltered love—was what the old world had been missing all along.
It wasn’t always smooth. There were still days of silence, of withdrawal, of sudden, unexpected rage or sadness. Sometimes the old patterns would reassert themselves: the pressure to please, the fear of being found out, the gnawing doubt that maybe this was all a mistake. But the difference now was that these moments were met, not with critique or punishment, but with acknowledgment. They could talk about it, or not talk, or just hold each other until the feeling passed. Sometimes, in the evenings after the children had gone to bed and the house was quiet, the couples would sit outside on the porch, wrapped in blankets against the cooling air, and say nothing at all. It was enough to be there, side by side, breathing the same air.
Sometimes, in the pause afterward, the Graces could not help but think the word alpha. It was not a word they were given, exactly, but it fit the men. They were alpha males, dominating. They dominated their Graces and the Graces loved it. They thought: yes, this is my keeper. Yes, this is my man, he takes good care of me. And they wait for the next time, with the anticipation of love and the certainty that they will be taken, again and again, into the arms that are always in charge

3-Ddays
The rain in Normandy does not wash things clean; it only makes the gray of the limestone turn to the color of a bruise. I stood on the edge of the dune, clutching the leather-bound journal my father had kept in 1944. The ink was iron-gall, faded to the brown of dried blood, the cursive script jagged and impatient. He hadn’t written a memoir; he’d kept a ledger of survival. Coordinates 49.34 North, 0.54 West. Wind heavy. Gear weight: 62 pounds. The sound of the surf is not water, but grinding teeth. I had spent three days pacing the stretch of sand between Colleville-sur-Mer and Vierville, trying to calibrate my own boots to his invisible stride. My father had never talked about these beaches, not in the way the local museums tried to talk about them. He had kept his silence like a locked room in our house in Upstate New York—a room I spent twenty years trying to pick the lock on, convinced that if I could just find the right angle of light, the right coordinate, I would understand the stoic, tired man who sat in our recliner with a lukewarm beer, staring at the middle distance. I looked down at the paper map folded inside the journal, its edges crumbling like burnt toast. I was standing within twenty feet of where he had waded ashore. The geography was wrong, of course. Time had eroded the cliffs, and the commercial tide had swept away the debris of history. There were no ghosts here, all the spirits rest comfortably, all counted, all remembered. Only the sharp, persistent wind and the sound of my own breath—a frantic, rhythmic intake of air that felt far too thin for the gravity of the place. I walked toward the water line. The sand was slick, holding the memory of the tide. I tried to visualize the landing craft—the metal ramp dropping like a guillotine—but the image wouldn’t hold. It was too cinematic, too clean. My father’s reality hadn’t been a wide-angle shot of valor; it had been the claustrophobia of wet wool, the smell of cordite and vomit, and the crushing, animal need to keep moving because stopping meant disappearing. I crouched down, digging my fingers into the cold, wet grit. I wanted a relic. A piece of rusted shrapnel, a uniform button, something to anchor this intellectual pilgrimage to the physical weight of his suffering. But there was nothing. Only the smooth, indifferent pebbles of a beach that had long ago finished digesting the war. Why did I think I could find you here? I whispered to the wind. The question felt small. It felt pathetic. I had spent my life studying the “abroad” of others—the postcards from Mar, the stories of Jack, the effortless grace of people who seemed to own the world—while my own history felt like a debt I was still paying off. I had come to Normandy thinking that the trauma was geographic, that if I stood exactly where the trauma had been inflicted, I could somehow inherit it, master it, or at least file it away into a neat category of “understanding.” Instead, I felt a hollow, aching inadequacy. I was a man in a Gore-Tex jacket, staring at a patch of gray water, playing at being a witness to a horror I had only ever read about in books with glossy covers. I was a tourist of my own father’s wreckage. I stood up, my knees aching from the damp. I looked back toward the dunes, where the modern world was beginning to encroach. A line of tour buses pulled into the parking lot, their air brakes hissing like snakes. People in bright colors spilled out, clutching selfie sticks and maps, their voices carrying over the surf—loud, cheerful, and profoundly unburdened. They were here for the “experience.” They were here to check a box. I felt a sudden, sharp spike of resentment, followed immediately by a wave of nausea. Who was I to judge them? I was here for the exact same reason, just with a more pretentious objective. I had brought the journal, the reverence, the heavy, self-important burden of the “son seeking answers,” but in the end, I was just another body occupying space on a beach that didn’t care who I was or why I had come. My father’s silence hadn’t been a puzzle to be solved. It had been a wall he had built, brick by brick, to keep the war from bleeding into the living room. He didn’t want me to understand the beach. He didn’t want me to walk the coordinates. He wanted me to be somewhere else entirely—somewhere safe, somewhere dull, somewhere where the most important thing to worry about was the quality of the coffee or the weather for the weekend. I opened the journal one last time. There was a smudge of oil on the page, right over the date. June 6th. I traced the smudge with my thumb. He hadn’t been a hero in his own mind; he had been a man who had survived a catastrophe and then spent the rest of his life trying to un-see it. By coming here, by obsessively mapping his path, I wasn’t honoring him. I was excavating his scars. I was forcing him to relive it in the only way I knew how: through my own vicarious, grasping desire for connection. I looked at the water—the English Channel, gray and churning, a literal border between one world and another. My father had crossed it and never truly come home. He had been “tethered to a small, threadbare place,” just like me, but he had arrived there carrying the weight of a thousand miles and a thousand deaths. I closed the book. The leather was cold against my palm. The exhaustion finally settled into my marrow, a heavy, leaden thing that silenced the inner monologue. There was no revelation coming. There was no ghost to hold, no secret handshake to bridge the gap between his war and my peace. There was just the tide, the wind, and the realization that his trauma was his own, private property—a legacy he had protected by keeping it to himself, and a legacy I was finally, mercifully, going to stop trying to steal. I turned away from the shoreline, my boots sinking deep into the sand, leaving a trail of prints that the next high tide would claim without hesitation. I had come looking for the map of my father’s war, but I was leaving with something far more difficult to hold: the recognition that some places are not meant to be visited, and some silences are not meant to be broken. I walked toward the parking lot, not as a pilgrim, but as a man who had finally finished a very long, very quiet funeral. The tour bus disgorged its passengers like a sudden, colorful rain. They swarmed the low-slung concrete of the Pointe du Hoc memorial, cameras raised like shields, the soft, rhythmic clicking of shutters providing an artificial heartbeat to a place that had long ago gone still. I stood near the rusted remains of an artillery casemate, my back against the cold, scarred stone. From here, the beach looked like a postcard of a graveyard, beautiful and vacant. A tour guide, a man with a booming voice and a laminated map, gestured wildly toward the cliff edge, his narrative a series of heroic crescendos. He spoke of bravery, of tactical brilliance, of the “liberation of Europe.” The crowd nodded, their faces illuminated by the bright, indifferent sun, hungry for a story that made sense, one that provided the comfort of a moral conclusion. I watched them, and for the first time, the “study abroad” I had so carefully curated felt fraudulent. These people were here to witness history; I was here to witness my father’s silence. The contrast was like a physical ache in my chest. My father, Bablinskas ,Edward, Cox, V6,USNR , had never spoken of these cliffs. When he did mention the war—a rare, whiskey-warmed occurrence—he didn’t talk about the grand, sweeping triumph the tour guide was currently selling for twenty euros a head. He talked about the mud in his boots. He talked about the way a man’s voice could change when he realized he was about to die. He talked about the smell of diesel and scorched earth. He had lived in a state of self-imposed exile from his own memories, guarding them behind a wall of stoic, unyielding distance. Watching the tourists, I realized my pilgrimages had been a form of vanity. I had been trying to map my father’s internal geography, hoping that if I stood in the exact coordinates of his landing, the silence would finally break, or that the landscape itself would offer an apology for the decades of disconnectedness between us. But the geography of war was not a map of heroics; it was a map of survival. A young couple moved past me, laughing as they took a selfie with the bunker in the background. The girl checked her hair, pulling a loose strand behind her ear, her face devoid of anything but the fleeting joy of a summer day. I didn’t blame them, but I felt a sudden, sharp clarity that made me want to step out from the shade of the bunker and tell them to put their phones away. I wanted to tell them that the silence of these beaches wasn’t meant to be consumed. It was meant to be carried. That was the realization that cracked the mold. My father’s trauma wasn’t a puzzle to be solved by his son. It was a weight he had carried so that the world—so that I—might not have to. His silence wasn’t a failure of communication; it was an act of protection. He had built his own version of a “tethered life,” not because he lacked the imagination to leave, but because after seeing the world broken, he understood the profound, radical necessity of keeping a small, quiet corner of the earth intact and safe. He was like the baker, Jean, in Paris, or even like me in my rented, threadbare rooms: he had found his belonging in the persistence of daily, mundane existence. The difference was that his commitment had been forged in fire, while mine had been forged in the longing for a life I thought was elsewhere. I looked down at the battered journal in my hand, the pages soft from years of re-reading. I had spent so much of my life looking at the horizon, believing that the “study” part of my life was something that happened only when I was far from home, when I was in a foreign plaza, or a museum, or a library in a city that wasn’t mine. I had treated my own life like a stopover, an interim period while I waited for the real, meaningful narrative to begin.
But watching the light hit the gray sea, I understood that I was already living in the “abroad.” The friction I felt—the disappointment, the yearning, the late-night confusion, the awkwardness of trying to connect with a father who had been hollowed out by history—that was the curriculum. That was the study. I leaned my head against the cold stone of the bunker and closed my eyes. The sound of the wind, the distant laughter of the tour group, the salt-heavy air—it all coalesced into a single, overwhelming sense of presence. I wasn’t just a visitor here, looking for a ghost. I was a man living a life that was finally, genuinely mine. I thought of Mar, painting in that Spanish square, her hands stained with pigment, her focus absolute. I thought of the way Lucie looked at the bread in the oven, her face reflecting the heat and the potential of the craft. They weren’t waiting for a “grand tour” either. They were building their worlds, stitch by stitch, day by day, right where they stood. They understood that the world was not a series of destinations to be checked off a list, but a fabric to be woven. I opened my eyes and looked at the crowd again. The tour guide had finished his speech, and the group was beginning to shuffle back toward their bus. They looked satisfied, their cameras full of images, their minds settled by the neat, packaged history they had been fed. I watched them climb the stairs, the engine of the bus humming to life, a low, mechanical growl that seemed incongruous against the stillness of the cliffs. I realized then that I didn’t need the revelations I had been chasing. I didn’t need the “aha” moment that would retroactively heal my father or justify my own restlessness. The yearning was not a defect; it was a compass. It had led me here, to this exact moment, where I could finally distinguish between the “abroad” of the postcard and the “abroad” of the human soul. My father’s exile was his, and his alone. My own life, with all its stops and starts, its small, tethered rooms and its vast, untethered dreams, was its own, valid study. I didn’t have to inhabit his past to prove I was his son. I had only to carry the same quiet, resilient discipline of endurance he had shown me, in his own, silent way. I stayed there until the tour bus pulled away, until the silence rushed back in to fill the space where their voices had been. The shadows were lengthening across the beach, the sand turning the color of old copper. I took a deep breath, the taste of the sea and the history of the place filling my lungs. I was finished with the hunting. I was done trying to inhabit a map that wasn’t mine to walk. I pushed off from the bunker wall, my legs feeling strangely light. I walked down the path toward the parking area, my pace steady, no longer hurried by the need to see it all before the sun went down. There was no one waiting for me in a hotel room in Paris, and there was no grand expedition waiting for me in the next town. There was only the walk back to the station, the train ride, and the life waiting for me on the other side of the Atlantic—a life that was no longer a waiting room, but the main event. The path felt different under my boots, less like a trail of ghosts and more like a road. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a puddle near the gate—a man in a worn jacket, looking a bit tired, a bit older, but unmistakably, entirely himself. The longing that had defined my life for so long was still there, but it had changed shape. It was no longer a heavy, tethered anchor. It had become a buoyancy, a quiet, humming energy that pushed me forward, not away from where I was, but into the very heart of it. I passed a small, nameless wildflower pushing up through the cracked earth near the base of the cliffs. I stopped for a moment, crouching to look at it. It was delicate, persistent, and entirely content to be exactly where it had taken root. I reached out and touched a petal, the texture cool and soft against my skin. “Study the hell out of it,” I whispered to myself, remembering Jack’s voice, the cadence of his laughter, the way he had once told me that the world was far too large to ever be fully mapped, and that was the entire point. I stood up and continued walking, the path stretching out before me, empty and infinite. I wasn’t going anywhere in particular, yet for the first time in my life, I felt as though I had finally arrived.
The salt air at Pointe du Hoc didn’t smell like history. It smelled like wet limestone and the indifferent, churning Atlantic. I knelt in the tall, wind-battered grass, the kind that hides the rusted remnants of ironmongery and unexploded metal, and felt the weight of the leather-bound notebook in my coat pocket. It was heavy with my father’s handwriting—cramped, jagged, the ink fading into the gray-blue of the paper. For years, I had treated this book like a holy text, a cartographic key that would unlock the secret room of his soul. I thought if I stood precisely where he stood, looked at the horizon through the same aperture of terror he had, I would finally understand why he came home and chose to go silent. I took the pen from my bag, but the wind snatched at the pages, mocking the ambition of the act. I was going to write him a letter. I was going to summarize the findings of my three-day autopsy of his memory. I was going to tell him that I had looked for the heroism, the singular, cinematic moment that justifies a lifetime of haunted nights, and I had found nothing but the same wind that was currently chilling my marrow. If I wrote the letter, I would be binding myself to the ghosts forever. To “solve” my father’s war was to inherit his exile. I looked out over the cliff’s edge, toward the English Channel. The horizon was a blurry, silver line where the sky and water conspired to erase everything. My father had spent his life staring at that line, even when he was sitting at our kitchen table in New York, eating eggs or reading the paper. He was always half-gone, stationed somewhere between the Normandy he couldn’t leave and the home he couldn’t quite inhabit. I didn’t want to be him. I didn’t want to be a man who lived his life in the permanent squint of a flashback. I folded the half-written page—an incoherent scrawl about duty and the geometry of trauma—and tucked it deep into the crevice of a concrete bunker wall. Not a message in a bottle, but a deposit. A surrender. I left it for the rain to pulp and the roots to consume. It was a grave for an expectation. Standing up, my knees ached—a sharp, grounding reminder of the physical cost of just being present. I walked away from the bunker, my boots crunching on the gravel path. The tourist groups were arriving now, a phalanx of blue windbreakers and clicking cameras, their guides speaking in the cheerful, flattened tones of people who translate tragedy into trivia. They were here to consume the “experience” of the war, looking for a thrill, a souvenir, a photograph to prove they had stood on the precipice of the world. I looked at them—really looked at them—and for the first time, I didn’t feel the old, envious pull of their itineraries. I didn’t care about their plane tickets or the stamps in their passports. I realized that my own “study abroad” hadn’t happened in a lecture hall or a grand tour of cathedrals. It had happened in the friction of living. It had happened in the quiet, agonizing stretches of time I’d spent trying to earn my father’s glance, in the failed attempts to translate his silence into a language I could speak, and in the way I had learned to observe the world through the cracks he left behind. I walked past the visitors’ center, passing a man who looked exactly like my father used to—stoic, shoulders set against a wind only he could feel. For a heartbeat, the urge to reach out, to ask him about the shelling, to demand a bridge between our generations, flared up. But I stifled it. I realized then that my father’s trauma wasn’t a puzzle to be solved; it was a geography he had traversed, a long, weary march that he had finished alone. My duty wasn’t to walk his path; it was to find my own. The bus arrived, a lumbering, diesel-scented beast that would take me back to the transit hub. As I climbed the steps, the driver, a man with heavy eyelids and a cigarette dangling from his lip, barely looked at me. It was a mundane, anonymous interaction—the kind I used to lament as a sign of being invisible. Now, I saw it differently. I was a traveler, a student of the transient, inhabiting a space of complete, liberated freedom. I didn’t have to be the son of a war hero or the student who stayed behind. I was just Michael, moving through a landscape that didn’t know my name and didn’t owe me a revelation.
I sat by the window, watching the French coastline blur into a tapestry of green and gray. I reached into my bag and pulled out a small, battered postcard I’d carried for years—one Mar had sent me from Spain a decade ago. The colors were faded, the edges frayed, but the sentiment felt different now. It wasn’t a taunt anymore. It was an artifact of a life lived in motion, a testament to the fact that we are all, in our own way, wandering.
I leaned my head against the cool glass. The train station in Bayeux would lead to the train to Paris, and from there, the world opened up—not into a series of exotic, unattainable “abroads,” but into a vast, interconnected web of local truths. I thought of the Parisian baker, Jean, and his apprentice, Lucie. I thought of Jack in that dive bar, telling me to “study the hell out of” the night. I had been studying all along. I had been observing the way light hits a sidewalk in the morning, the way a father hides his grief, the way a friendship dissolves into distance.
The sadness that had weighted my chest for most of my life began to dissolve, replaced by a strange, humming clarity. It was an earned, bitter gratitude. I wasn’t missing out on the world; I was participating in it, one awkward, beautiful, human connection at a time.
The bus pulled away, leaving the jagged coastline behind. I didn’t look back to see the bunkers. I watched the road ahead, winding through quiet, unremarkable villages where people were going about their lives—baking bread, repairing fences, whispering secrets in doorways. It was enough. It was more than enough.
I closed my eyes and realized that the “study abroad” I had spent my life chasing was never a destination on a map. It was the ability to look at the world, and at myself, with a gaze that didn’t need to categorize or consume, but simply to witness. And in the act of witnessing, I had finally arrived.
The driver flicked on the radio, and the low, melodic static of a French broadcast filled the cabin. It was unintelligible, a wash of sound that carried no specific meaning, and yet, I understood it perfectly. It was the sound of the world spinning, indifferent to my arrival and my departure, inviting me to simply exist within it. I leaned back, felt the vibration of the road beneath me, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel tethered to anything at all. I was just a man on a bus, moving toward the next thing, learning the lesson of the landscape as it revealed itself, mile by hard-won mile.
–
He had three attempts in his life to conquer D-Day—three pilgrimages to the French coast, each one promising something he’d only ever inhaled in stories and dreams. D-Day was June 6, 1944, yet he’d been born in 1962, eighteen years after the Allies stormed Normandy. Still, every night as a boy he lay in bed, listening to his father’s low voice drift from the den: the salt tang of the sea, the clatter of wrecked landing craft, the heavy groan of bodies bobbing in the surf. His father had been twenty years old then, part of the Navy Salvage Unit—the polite term for pulling young men from the water and carrying them home in body bags.
But the actual meaning of “salvage” had been driven into the son’s marrow long before he could spell it: a man bent over a tub, sloshing sand from a helmet, swabbing mud from the cavity of a skull; a man still young, but with the eyes of someone condemned to catalog disaster and call it duty. At six, the boy would crawl beneath the desk, wedge his face between the burners of the old radiator, and imagine the brackish stink of the English Channel. At seven, he could recite the names of every ship wrecked off the coast, the call signs of the lost, the sequence of tides and currents that swept the dead to shore. At ten, he dreamed only of water—flooded bunkers, drowned paratroopers, the slow, jellyfish drift of bodies beneath a gray sheet of waves. By high school, his classmates called him Normandy; he corrected their dates, their pronunciations, their armchair heroics. The football coach tried to draft him for linebacker, and he refused—“too many bodies pile up at the line,” he said, “and nobody remembers the names of the ones underneath.” He joined debate, then the Model UN, and finally the yearbook, where he annotated every photograph with the kind of forensic precision his father might have admired. Still, nothing burned away the sodium taste of the stories, or the way his father’s voice changed in the hour before sleep.
It was only in his late twenties that the Normandy obsession turned from a boy’s escape fantasy into a full-blown compulsion. He wrote thesis after thesis about the invasion; he designed dioramas in the basement, assembling tiny plastic Higgins boats and gluing red enamel to the decks. He wandered flea markets in search of shrapnel, shell casings, anything with provenance from the coast of France. He started to correspond with a group of re-enactors in England who staged elaborate war games near the cliffs of Dover, and in the process, learned to sew his own uniforms, to load blanks into an M1, to march for hours in boots intentionally soaked with seawater. The re-enactors called him “Stateside”—both a nickname and a pejorative, as if his version of the war was as pale and diluted as instant coffee. But he didn’t care. What mattered was the discipline, the ritual, the repeated re-living of an event that he could never hope to truly inhabit.
By the spring of his twenty-seventh year, the pull had become too strong to ignore. He gathered what little money he’d saved, sold off his college textbooks and most of his thrift-store overcoat collection, and bought a discounted one-way ticket to Paris. He would make his own crossing. His plan was messy: a train north from the city, a slow bus to the coast, and then a week spent walking the beaches, notebook in hand, trying to write a different ending to his father’s story.
First Attempt He was twenty-seven in the spring of 1989, a camera slung over one shoulder and a single suitcase in hand. The train out of Paris was a lone wooden car with peeling green paint and a single conductor who punched holes in ragged tickets. At dusk the train shuddered to a halt between Caen and Bayeux, in a village you’d never find on a map. Strikers had seized the rails; no one came to say when it would move again. He stepped onto a platform littered with broken bottles and the smell of diesel. His pockets were nearly empty—he’d spent the last francs on that ticket—and every café in sight had locked doors. Darkness folded around him. He found a bench under a flickering lamppost and curled up in his jacket, the night air sharp against his face. Toward midnight a girl from South Africa appeared at the station door, carrying a thermos and two mugs. She told him her name was Janelle and together they poured bitter coffee and shared a crust of bread. They sat until dawn, trading stories of battles neither had fought. When the sun rose he packed his bag and watched the small train pull away without him. He never set foot on Utah Beach that spring.
Second Attempt On June 6, 1994—D-Day’s fiftieth anniversary—he climbed into a rented Volkswagen Passat diesel with his parents. His mother fussed over the scent of her hair, his father slipped his old dog-tags into his pocket. They barreled out of Paris, weaving past layered overpasses where Diana’s fatal crash had occurred years before. The Passat’s engine droned over each rise and plunge, the hum reverberating through the windows. When they reached a provincial crossroads his mother rolled down her window and asked in fractured French for café au lait with cream. He served as interpreter—“café au lait,” he coached her—and they sipped warm coffee on a stone wall while cicadas chattered in the grass.
That evening they checked into a creaking Bed & Breakfast perched on a sea bluff. His father, restless, tapped on their door. “I need you,” he said, voice brittle. “Come down.” In the parlor a circle of veterans—French, English, even a few Germans—passed around faded photographs and swapped half-remembered tales. One man pointed to a torn sign in a picture: “Cherbourg →.” He joked it must have blown north in the storm of ’44. By the next morning a kindly butcher-turned-tour guide in a wool cap collected them in his minivan and guided the Passat along sandy lanes to Utah Beach. Flags snapped in the breeze, brass bands played martial hymns, and presidents and royalty stood on a dais behind them. The sun ignited the surf in a blaze of silver and blue. He photographed his father alone on the beach, shoulders hunched against the wind, staring at the waves that swallowed so many boys eighty years before. His father blinked back tears. “I still can’t believe I was here,” he murmured.
Third Attempt On June 6, 2024, he stood on the Dover clifftops, wind whipping his hair. He arrived at dawn, the hour his father always claimed was “the best for seeing the world wake up before it wants to.” The chalk of the cliffs glimmered ghost-white in the updrafts, flecks breaking loose and spiraling into the Channel below. His father was gone now—his dog-tags rusted in a box back home, entropy working its slow miracle—but in the morning chill the old man’s presence felt more immediate than ever. So he wore a T-shirt, cheaply screen-printed, with his father’s face at age twenty: the one from the grainy Navy ID, helmet lopsided, eyes not quite meeting the camera, as if already wary of what future generations would want from him. The shirt had been a gag gift, found online by a cousin after the funeral, but he wore it anyway, awkwardly proud, the way pilgrims wore their sackcloth.
The drive down from London had been both harrowing and monotonous. The rental company had given him a Ford Fiesta in a shade of blue so insipid it felt designed to be erased. He learned to drive on the left by following the largest, slowest lorry he could find, and even then, his heart battered his ribs whenever a roundabout loomed or an oncoming bus narrowed the gap. The countryside was a blur of hedges, yellowing fields, the occasional petrol station with an honor-system coffee machine. He stopped at one for a breakfast sandwich and ate it at a picnic table, unwrapping each piece of plastic as if it might contain a message from the past.
On the last approach to the coast, a sudden squall erupted. He pulled the car over where the land melted into sea, parked on the verge, and braced himself against the gale. The sky was slate, the Channel a living bruise of blue and black and violent white. He saw, for the first time, what the invasion must have felt like: not just the scale of it, but the elemental brutality. He imagined flotillas on the horizon, each silhouette trembling, a thousand possibilities of death and glory in every inch of water. He stood there a long time, until his hands went numb and his cheeks stung with salt.
At the clifftop, a few other pilgrims milled about: one with a wreath and pressed slacks, a woman in hiking boots photographing the horizon, a couple in matching parkas sipping from a shared thermos. They kept their distance, as if this landscape demanded reverence through solitude. He walked to the edge, peered over at the vertical drop, and felt a dizzying urge to leap—not in despair, but in awe at the rawness of it all. He took the battered camera from his backpack, the same one he carried as a younger man, now heavy with the weight of a hundred failed attempts to capture something essential. He snapped photos of the cliffs, the water, his own shadow thrown long by the morning sun. None of it looked like the memory, but that was the point.
He made his way down to the Channel town of Brighton, a detour inspired not by the war but by an article he’d read years ago, about the pier rebuilt after arson, about the promenade where elderly couples strolled in a light that seemed to forgive everything. The drive took an hour and a half, and by the time he arrived, mist was already burning off the water. He parked along the esplanade and stepped into a world that was both carnival and mausoleum.
The promenade was lined, as always, with wheelchairs, a kind of living guard of honor. Ninety-year-old veterans in wool coats and medals, oxygen tanks strapped to their chairs, faces like topography maps of war. Some sat in silence, gazing out at the water as if waiting for an old friend to surface. Others swapped jokes in accents as stubborn as their memories. He passed them slowly, feeling the air thicken with the density of stories never told, gestures never made. He bought a cup of instant tea from a kiosk and knelt beside one of the veterans, a man in a Royal Navy cap with a face seamed by both laughter and loss.
“Were you there?” the man asked, voice papery but direct.
“My father was,” he said, “Utah Beach. Salvage unit.”
The old man nodded. “Not glamorous, that work. But someone had to do it.” He sipped his tea, hands trembling only a little. “The sea takes and takes, but it also keeps secrets, son. Some people never want them found.”
They sat together for a few minutes, watching gulls circle over the surf. The old man finally said, “You’re doing right by him, you know,” and that was all. But it was more than enough.
He spent the afternoon wandering Brighton’s arcade, feeling strangely at peace. He walked the rebuilt pier, the planking still faintly smelling of fire and seaweed, and let himself be jostled by kids with sticky faces and parents barking into smartphones. He rode the ghost train, sat for a caricature sketch, lost a pound coin in an arcade claw machine. He bought a bag of fried dough and ate it slowly, watching the horizon blur until it felt like the edge of every world he’d ever imagined.
That night, he booked a room in a budget hotel overlooking the water. The walls were thin, the carpet spongy, but the window afforded a perfect view of the Channel, now calm and silver under a half-moon. He lay in bed and listened to the voices below: teenagers popping fireworks on the shingle, a couple in the next room arguing softly in Polish, waves slapping the breakwater in a rhythm older than nations. He dialed voicemail just to hear his father’s memorial recording—“Thank you for remembering Bablinskas ,Edward, Cox, V6,USNR who lived a life devoted to service…”—and let it play out, twice.
But that was not the end. Early the next morning, he dressed in black jeans and the T-shirt, pulled on his only jacket, and drove west along the coast. His destination was a place he’d never visited but always knew he would: the National Memorial Arboretum, an expanse of trees and stones where lost soldiers were named and made real again. He arrived just before the gates opened and found himself first in line, behind a family with two small girls, both carrying bouquets tied with blue ribbon. He followed them in, feet crunching wet gravel, and wandered alone for an hour, reading the names, the dates, the snippets of last words etched in granite. At the US memorial, he placed a pebble on the plinth, then closed his eyes and tried to imagine the sound of his father’s voice one more time.
He watched their faces, deeply etched by time and loss, and felt the old question rise in him: Can D-Day ever truly be conquered? Is it a place you walk upon, a day you commemorate, or a spirit that pulses when tyranny still darkens the earth? He knew the answer only lay in memory—his father’s stories, the ghosts in the surf, the men who would rise in wheelchairs one last time to say, “We were here.” And so long as the world dared to wage war, D-Day would remain unconquered, calling each generation back to stand on the sand and decide what freedom is worth dying for. each one of them successful, because in each one of them, he found something. Inside himself. That makes the world and life worth living for. And people worth fighting for.

Come back to the five and dime, Arnie Primo, Arnie Primo.
E. Micheal Bablin 1997
Come back to the five and dime, Arnie Primo, Arnie Primo. The streets have changed their names but not their habits; they run parallel, never meeting, the way children in a playground keep to opposite sides and only rarely collide. Come back to the five and dime, which is not a five and dime anymore, but the memory lingers like the penny candy smell that outlasts the store. Arnie Primo, you are not the absence we thought you were. The new owners found your name etched with a key into a green metal shelf in the back, next to where the Dubble Bubble used to be. When the neon light outside finally died, they replaced it with a flicker that never quite gets to “Open” or “Closed,” and that is enough—at the witching hour, that is everything.
Come back to the five and dime, Arnie Primo, Arnie Primo.
You used to cut through the alleys of Troy with a mission and a limp, rain washing the old oil stain off your coat and the rest of us following, bound by nothing more substantial than a shared boredom and a dozen broken bicycles. Crack yourself open at the curb and pour out the night: loose change, sweat, and the sour tang of gin stolen from the church rectory. You wore your thrift-shop waistcoat with the broken Blues, Arnie, hand-sewn in the lining by a woman who lived and died before the first Kennedy was shot. Each button a story, every stain a map to some crisis or revelation. Even at seventeen, you looked like you had turned the corner on life’s big punchline and were waiting for the rest of us to catch up.
Come back to the five and dime, Arnie Primo, Arnie Primo.
Nobody called you by your Christian name except the nuns at Immaculate Heart, but even they surrendered by Lent. To us, you were always Arnie Primo, the first and last of something important, maybe the patron saint of lost causes or just the closest thing we had to a folk hero. You could out-sing the jukebox at Dino’s and out-dance any straight-edge upstart from the cross-town rivalries. You remember the time the fire alarm went off at the after-hours pool hall and you, drunk in your old-man corduroys, shepherded all the strays out the exit, barking orders like a union foreman? We talk about it every December, Arnie, every year you don’t come home.
Come back to the five and dime, Arnie Primo, Arnie Primo.
Your best friend was Hope de Vega Vega, who changed her name twice a season and could shoot pool with both hands. She said her ancestors were Basque, but I think she just liked the look of it in Sharpie on her backpack. Hope de Vega Vega had a laugh that could shatter glass and a mother who worked two jobs and left notes in the fridge, “Hope: Buy milk. Love, Mom.” There are still people who say you and Hope dated, but the truth is you both just needed someone to stand lookout. You swapped poetry and cigs under the old railroad trestle, carved your initials into the crosstie, and on the hottest day of July you stood at the edge of Bumbercar Lake and dared the other to jump first.
Come back to the five and dime, Arnie Primo, Arnie Primo.
By senior year, you had invented at least five new religions, each one more elaborate and less likely than the last. You preached them in the gravel parking lot after football games, conversion rates about equal with the lottery odds. But you knew how to listen, too, and you kept everyone’s worst secrets folded up in a gum wrapper in your back pocket. You looked, looked, looked for water, any kind of water—fountain, puddle, wild lake, even the condensation on the old freezer case at the A&P. You walked the streets of Troy looking for a high city of gold, a skyline worthy of your elaborate mythologies, and when you found it wasn’t there, you created one from abandoned warehouses and the stuttering light of the Sbarro sign reflected in rain.
Come back to the five and dime, Arnie Primo, Arnie Primo.
You always had a theory about the world, Arnie. You said the universe was built from the leftover atoms of failed cigarette brands, that every broken bottle held a secret message from a parallel dimension. You immortalized your spangled universe in copper stone—graffiti murals on the sides of condemned buildings, chalk drawings in the dust of condemned playgrounds, and once, a sculpture of dryer lint and coat hangers in the foyer of the public library. Sometimes you’d pick up cigarette butts big enough to smoke and, with a magician’s flourish, light them with just a spark from your busted watch battery. You shared these with us, the flavor always a little off, a ghost of cherry or menthol, and we inhaled because you said it was good for poetry.
Come back to the five and dime, Arnie Primo, Arnie Primo.
You laughed with your olfactory lungs, Arnie, and if anyone ever understood what that meant, it was Hope. You taught her to ride a ten-speed, patched the tires with duct tape, and when the chain slipped, you told her that was the universe speaking in Morse code. Together you found the only honest pizza in the city, the one place that still used real cheese, and on Fridays when you couldn’t afford a slice, you’d sit outside on the curb and invent your own flavors, describing them so vividly we almost tasted them. You always had a sideways smile, like you were in on a joke about the afterlife, and when you looked at us with those eyes—perpetually rimmed red from allergy or insomnia—we felt, for a minute, that maybe the world was a place you could survive.
Come back to the five and dime, Arnie Primo, Arnie Primo.
But the others, Arnie, the others are all gone now. The old gang drifted, some to college, some to the army, a few to nowhere in particular. Hope de Vega Vega left for Albuquerque with her mother, sent postcards for a while—cryptic messages about cacti and sky, then silence. Dino’s became a vape shop, the pool hall got bulldozed for a strip mall, the railroad trestle rusted out and fell into the river. You more or less disappeared after graduation, rumors abounded—maybe you joined a commune, maybe you got lost in the Adirondacks, maybe you simply morphed into legend.
Come back to the five and dime, Arnie Primo, Arnie Primo.
But here’s the thing: even after years and years, the shine of the old Radio Free America days glows in every retelling. The city never forgets a good story, and you, Arnie Primo, are the protagonist of ours. You, you, you: lost orphan in the storm, patron saint of squandered afternoons, architect of our best mistakes. Come back to the five and dime, Arnie Primo, Arnie Primo. The new owners won’t mind. The old shelf still has your initials, and there’s a cup of coffee sitting by the window, just the way you liked it: black, three sugars, the spoon balanced across the rim in anticipation.
Come back to the five and dime, Arnie Primo, Arnie Primo.
I’m here, Arnie. I’m waiting. And if you walk through that door, I’ll buy the first round of lottery tickets and the last danish on the rack. That’s a promise, as real as anything that ever happened to us.
Excerpt from new dystopian novel “The Graces of Bliss Hall “
By E. Micheal Bablin
She remembered, with a kind of lucid, silent ache, what it meant to be at Bliss Hall—the first and only time in her life that rules had shaped her as much as love. The rules were strict, almost monastic in their precision, and the older Graces enforced them with the same blend of ferocity and tenderness that the matron herself possessed. The matron, even now, was a shadow in Grace’s mind: upright in her woolen skirts, eyes quick as buttons, voice never raised but always absolute. Don’t leave the dormitories without your apron. Don’t speak unless addressed. Don’t let your hair fall loose, don’t let your slippers scuff the corridor tile, don’t, don’t, don’t. The phrase “a Grace must always follow her keeper” had been printed in curlicued letters over every mirror and embroidered in blue silk on the dining hall banners. In the beginning, Grace had thought of the rules as a maze; later, she saw the walls were not meant to confine, but to guide, and she’d begun tracing their logic not with resignation, but relief.
It was the older Graces who instructed the new girls in the art of yielding. They would gather the youngest at dusk, herded in the tiled vestibule outside the chapel, and teach them to smile, to bow, to speak in the quiet, careful way that left room for another’s thought. Some of the girls bristled at first, and some had to be taught twice, or three times. A few, like Grace, learned instantly. She never asked why; she simply understood that to surrender was to belong, to submit was to be noticed, and to be noticed was to be loved, even if the love came as a stern glance or a corrective hand on the shoulder. As months passed, the rules became less like instructions and more like the quiet interior skeleton of her body, holding her upright and directing her movements as surely as any muscle or nerve.
She remembered the Fall semester, when Simon was selected to be her Keeper. The staff smiled with a particular pride that Grace only understood much later; to be chosen as a Grace was an honor, but to have a keeper like Simon was something else entirely. The first time she saw him, he was standing stiff and uncertain in the parlor, his broad hands knotting and unknotting themselves behind his back. He was only eighteen but had a gentle smile and everyone could tell he really cared. Grace had been summoned to the parlor for a brief introduction, but the air between them was so charged that even the matron’s voice seemed to slip away, leaving only the thrum of Grace’s own pulse.
With Simon, everything became a kind of grace. The night he undressed her, it was not boldness or demand but a certain carefulness—a gesture remade. Water ran over them as he guided her gently through the shower, his hands saying what words could not. Then he wrapped her in a towel, brushed the hair from her face, and settled her into the bed as though it were a quiet promise. He curled around her, his arms folding her into a hush. She felt herself yield to it, to him, and inside the surrender was something astonishing: she let him take control, and she loved it—not as captivity, but as belonging.
The rules were simpler, but the feelings behind them were not. Obedience was no longer just a performance; it became a way to forge a tunnel, straight and glowing, between her heart and his. When he visited, he would walk with her through the frost-bright orchard, and she would watch the way his boots sank and then rose from the snow, each step leaving a perfect cavity, as if the earth itself had been waiting for his weight. Sometimes he would take her gloved hand, and they would walk together, silent and sure. Once, in a moment that felt like the shocking flare of a match in a cold room, he pressed his lips to her cheek, just below the eye, and she realized—for the first time, truly—that he loved her not for her obedience, but for the way she wanted to obey.
After that, the rules at Bliss Hall became less like a puzzle and more like a promise. Every lesson, every restriction, every small triumph of self-control had been for this: the slow, deliberate matching of two people who might otherwise drift, soft as dust, never finding a shore. No one ever said this out loud, not even the matron, but Grace began to see it everywhere: in the way the dining room candles were arranged in pairs, in the patient hand of the gardener as he tied up the clematis, in the hush that fell between Graces and keepers when they passed each other in the corridor.
By the time she left Bliss Hall, Grace had come to crave the boundaries it had imposed. She realized this in the first days at Simon’s house, when she rose before dawn to sweep the hearth and lay the table, even though no one expected it of her. She realized it again when Simon, gentle but insistent, corrected the way she folded his shirts or stirred his tea. These small corrections made her feel visible, real, woven tightly into the fabric of the house and the day.
In the new house, Simon moved with a certainty that awed her. He was not loud or boastful; he inhabited the rooms the way roots inhabit soil, invisible but essential, holding everything together beneath the surface. Grace watched him as he made the rounds each evening, clicking off the lamps in the parlor and kitchen with a kind of ritual solemnity. Sometimes he would pause behind her in the hallway, one hand resting light on her shoulder, and she would look up to see him smiling—not indulgently, but with a clear, steady affection that left no room for doubt. The world had narrowed to the shape of his gaze, and in that focus she found a peace that was almost narcotic. The endless, nervous calculations of her old life—the fear of misstep, the constant scanning for cues—fell away. There was only Simon, and the strong, silent system of his approval and correction.
She learned to read him as she once read the matron, but with a difference: where the matron’s rules had been iron bars, Simon’s expectations were more like the lines of a sonnet, giving shape and music to her days. If she forgot to leave his coffee by the window, he would say nothing, but she would notice the flicker of disappointment, quick as a moth’s wing, and correct herself the next morning. If she spoke out of turn in front of guests, he would gently squeeze her hand under the table, a warning and a comfort all at once. These small, wordless lessons became the current of her life. She began to anticipate his needs, to move through the house as if tracing a secret map known only to the two of them. Each time she pleased him—a well-made bed, a perfect roast, a moment of quiet deference—she felt a glow inside her ribcage, a sweetness so rich it sometimes caught in her throat.
She was not foolish; she knew some would call it submission, or worse. But Grace understood that power passed between people in more ways than mere command, and that the deepest kind of belonging required both boundaries and a mutual yielding. Simon gave her a structure as intimate as a skeleton, and in return she gave him the soft, vital tissue of her attention, her effort, her care. When she succeeded, the approval in his eyes was not just for her service, but for the fact that she had understood him, had met him fully in the world he wished to build. She had never known love could feel like this: not a fever, not a hunger, but a kind of shelter, a wall against the jagged cold of uncertainty.
Sometimes, in the evenings, she would watch the shadows lengthen across the living room carpet and think how strange it was that she had ever needed the vigilance of the matron or the chorus of her fellow Graces. Now she needed only the structure of Simon’s days and the assurance of his presence. The memory of Bliss Hall faded, not into nothing, but into a kind of softened echo, a set of lessons transformed by the new context of their life together. Her former longing to be singled out, to be chosen, had become the quiet constancy of being seen and valued, every day, in small but perfect increments.
And when she lay awake beside him at night, his breathing deep and even, she would sometimes try to remember the girl she had been before all this began—before the endless rules, before the compact certainty of Simon’s regard. She reached for that girl in her memory, groping for the clever, brittle self that had arrived at Bliss Hall with a battered suitcase and the crust of a strange aunt’s affection. That girl had trembled at the prospect of being called out in chapel, of having her faults displayed. Now, the idea of correction—of being seen, measured, and guided—felt less like a threat and more like a gift, something spare and glowing and infinitely precious.
Her memories were a chain, each link bright and distinct: the first time Simon touched her neck, the time he carried her across a rain-slicked path instead of letting her shoes get muddy, the afternoons they spent reading together in the parlor, his voice low and deliberate. There were darker memories, too—the stiffness of the matron’s hand, the cold fury of a punishment administered in the silent corridor—but even these had lost their sting, turned to something instructive and almost necessary. Everything led to now, to this moment: Grace, in the kitchen, her hands sunk deep in bread dough, the scent of yeast thick around her, Simon’s footfall steady on the stairs.
It was in this moment, more than any other, that she understood the secret lesson of Bliss Hall: that all the rituals and boundaries were not about subjugation, but about safety, about creating a world where it was possible—at last, and entirely—to belong. The girls who became Graces, the boys learning to be men; each finding their place by loving and being loved, by linking their lives as neat and sure as the latticework on a garden wall. To belong, to be brought inside someone else’s logic, securely enclosed where nothing could startle you loose or leave you floating untethered.
That memory lived inside her, glinting sharp and bright—a thread running through everything she did: the first shy shock of Simon’s fingers, the way it thrilled her to discover how Simon watched over her, kept her close, made her his own. The sensation was more than simple happiness; it filled her head and bones with something complete and certain—a gentle, flawless relief, knowing she belonged. Kissing her Simon was only about sweetness; it was a yielding, a deep letting-go, trusting that he would keep her safe, invisible connections drawing her to him, so steady and sure she never had to question her place.
To love Simon was to find her rightful shape: boundaries clear, edges marked and known. There was comfort in it, a deep peace in never having to wander lost, never dissolving or trembling on the verge of vanishing, never facing the dark echo of solitude. Safety shone in obedience, in the knowledge that her place was hers alone; she could rest in that enclosure, never lost, always, always held.
Now Grace was pregnant with the product of Simon’s love, and it was written everywhere on her: in her shy, delighted smile, in the way she held herself a little differently, as if something delicate and astonishing had taken root inside her. She almost couldn’t believe it herself. The thought sat new and ridiculously sweet in her mind, like the secret candy she used to steal from the pantry as a girl, something secretly hers, a tiny sweetness she could let dissolve on her tongue, day after day.
Simon stayed close. He knew what the weeks meant, knew how every flicker of her body mattered now, and so he watched her with careful, constant eyes, ready to catch the smallest change. Maybe that’s what being in love was: living inside someone else’s heartbeat, afraid that if you missed a single signal, you’d lose the whole world. The days stretched out around her, slow and golden, every one thick with impossible, ridiculous hope: would the child be a boy, or a girl; would their hands be delicate or strong; who would they love, who would teach them how? Questions multiplied, filling whole rooms, making the house seem larger, softer, as if the simple air had turned to possibility. Always Simon, always his hands, steadying her through each day.
Grace could feel it—the new tilt to the future, the way everything seemed to glow and blur outward from this small, secret kernel of hope. She was the good earth now, full of what Simon had planted, and all either of them could do was wait to see what would take shape, who would come next, and how love would grow.
With Grace’s due date drawing near, she leaned in to his care—not a lapse or an experiment, but a sequence of gestures rehearsed with such precision they became their own sort of ceremony. Her hands, constant now, would smooth the counter, refold his shirts, tip the pills into his palm as if each movement might be inspected for faults neither of them had yet named. There was a rhythm to it, something that felt at once unfamiliar and inevitable, as if the arrival of this first child had started a quiet reordering. Their household, once a loose collection of habits, was beginning to knit itself around the child to come, and all the unseen others that suddenly, impossibly, seemed almost certain to follow.
E. Michael Bablin
We’re halfway home and I can’t stop watching the rainbow in the rearview. It’s all I want to look at, even though I’m the one driving and Bro is in the passenger seat scrolling through his phone, reading out loud some TikTok drama and then lapsing into silence so the car fills up with more of the soft jazz that he never admits he likes. But the rainbow—hell, it’s a monster, a cartoon of itself, it’s this mucilaginous, absolute band of color, the kind that only happens in bad tattoos or the covers of physics textbooks. There’s still a little rain spitting so the road is wet, glistening with an oil slick shimmer, and the rainbow is reflected everywhere—on windshields, on the lake glass, even in the droplets that hang on the edges of the wiper blades. It’s a whole dome, a bubble big enough to hold the entire town, and all the colors are so stupidly bright and distinct that there’s no point trying to name them. It’s the rainbow and I know it’s for me, like the way a good omen can follow you home, and I keep thinking about how it will look from our driveway, whether it’ll hang over the roof or dissolve before we pull in.
We pass the overpass, concrete still dark with rain, and the rainbow dips down low, cutting through the haze that’s left once the sky clears. For a second the rainbow gets wrung out and pale, then it comes back even harder, like it’s been plugged in and someone cranked the saturation. I flick the wipers again and Bro glances up, sees where I’m looking, and says, “Bro, that’s the gayest rainbow I’ve ever seen,” which is the sort of thing he says when he means it’s beautiful and he wants it too but pretending not to care is his whole deal. I don’t answer, just squint through the windshield and try to memorize the curve of the arc. It’s all I need—this sense that the rainbow exists even when I’m not looking, that it waits for me, sits there like a badge or a signpost or the simplest promise that something can be absolutely true in the world.
The rain lets up almost instantly, just a few spatters along the edge of the glass, and where the rain ends is exactly where the rainbow begins. It’s so sharp it feels like you could drive right up to the edge of it, or maybe like you’re already inside of it, the whole car sealed in by color. I think about contentment and what it means to have something solid that you always come back to, even if it’s just a trick of the light. There’s still so much left to do—school, work, writing, the entire huge haul of days ahead—and I think about how the rainbow will outlast all of it, how it will keep showing up in the same place every time there’s rain and sun at once. I wonder if I’ll ever get tired of it, if at some point I’ll just stop looking up.
But right now the rainbow is the whole show and the street is empty, and we’re close to home and I slow down so I won’t lose the view. I’m already planning how I’ll describe it, which words to use, but none of them will be enough because the rainbow is exactly itself and nothing else, not a metaphor, not a hope, just the world doing its thing and me getting to see it. Even after we’re inside, I know I’ll keep thinking about it, about how it follows me, about how it waits for me each day I come home.
am, right in it, the rainbow as the view It becomes a thing I chase, not just in the childish sense, but as a real orientation, a gravitational slant to my entire day. I’m up before the streetlights blink off, before the heat kicks in, and it’s there—if not in the raw sky, then in some residue on the apartment walls, a prismatic shadow crawling over the eggshell paint as the sun comes up behind the mist. It doesn’t matter that it’s October, that the forecast says only drizzle and fog, because this rainbow is stubborn, engineered out of the angle of my window and the steady damp in the air. Sometimes it’s so faint I have to squint for it, other times it’s enough to make the whole living room look staged, like I’m living in an ad for vitamins or fast internet. The rainbow: always there, always performing, even when there’s no one to watch but me.
October, and it inserts itself into breakfast: in the sweat-condensed beadwork on my mug, the slow drip down the inside of the French press, the way it bands itself—clean and miniature—across the surface tension of the spoon. It overlays everything, not just color but clarity. Rainbows on rainbows, and once, when the clouds finally break for an hour, there’s a double, two identical arcs, perfect as parentheses, framing the bare trees and the crows shouting over the power lines. I can’t help but see it as a bracket around my entire life, a pair of arms drawing a territory just for me. I lean against the counter and stare until my eyes water, thinking: here I am, exactly where I’m supposed to be, mapped by these bands of light.
It’s not that the rainbow is special, I remind myself. This street is like any other, a lazy curb, cracked sidewalk, the early walkers out with their flannel and their dogs. But the rainbow gives it context, and more than that, it feels like it’s making a point out of simple repetition. Every day, in some form, for weeks now—refined and present, a challenge and a comfort at once. It’s not a reward; it’s a constant. I don’t need a diploma or a letter of acceptance. I just need to stand still and let the thing find me. I wish I could tell Bro, or Mom, or someone, but I know it’s better as a secret, something too huge and dumb to explain in a text.
I try to write about it. I open the Notes app and type three lines, delete them, start again. There’s no way to get it across—the way the rainbow shifts from a visual to a presence, something that hovers and presses, that tints every other thought I have. I remember reading about how a rainbow isn’t real, how it’s just a direction, a condition of the eye and the rain and the angle of the sun. It only exists because you look for it, and if you move, it moves; if you blink, it’s gone. I write that down and let it sit, watching the light crawl up my hand, the way the veins and tendons get painted in impossible color, like I’m being made and unmade in the same moment.
I’m not in love with the rainbow—don’t get me wrong. It’s not a metaphor for anything, not some sign from the universe. But it’s there when I wake up, it’s there when I pedal the bike to campus, it’s there in the puddles and oil slicks, in the smeared rear window of the bus, in the condensation on every bathroom mirror. It’s an epidemic, a viral persistence, and I think maybe that’s what I need right now: not a goal, but a structure, something visible and predictable when everything else is so shifty and made of air.
The dome of it is what I keep coming back to. Not just a stripe, but a whole hemisphere, a planetarium shell projected over the world. I imagine what it would be like if you could walk along the inside of the arc, hands pressed to the wet glass, feeling the spectrum wash you clean every way you turn. I think about explaining it to Dr. R from physics last semester, how he would go off about optical density and refraction, about how the rainbow is never in the same place twice, how everyone gets their own private version. That feels good, somehow—like this is not just my rainbow, but one that’s built for every person dumb enough to get up early and look for it.
Some days it’s so bright I start to laugh, like it’s trying to get a rise out of me. Once, the rainbow gets into the living room before I do, and I catch sight of it on my way down the hall: a full color wheel turning across the flat of the floor, leaking through the cheap blinds in a patchwork that lights up the dust in the air. I step into it and stand there, waiting for something to happen. The air smells like wet brick and burnt toast, and for a second the only thing moving is the rainbow, crawling across the room as the sun shifts behind the clouds. I could stand in this light forever, but Bro yells from his room to tell me I’m going to be late, and the spell breaks. I shuffle out, but the rainbow comes with me, splintering off the hallway mirror, curling around the banister, fractaling into the day.
I’m obsessed enough to track it, checking the hourly weather, plotting the angles, noting little differences—today the blue is wider, yesterday the red was bleeding into the orange. I start to take pictures, but the phone camera never gets it right, always flattening the color, making it look like a sticker slapped on the sky. I have to give up on the idea of sharing it, because even when Bro looks up from his phone and squints out the window, he just shrugs and says, “That’s cool, I guess.” No one else seems to care, and that makes it better. I let the rainbow have its little life as my own.
But sometimes, late at night, I replay the day and wonder what happens if the rainbow stops showing up. If a week passes with nothing but flat gray and the windows stay dry, will I be able to stand the absence? Will I default back to the person I was before, filling every blank moment with noise or food or the next half-baked project? I try to picture the room without the bands of color, the streets without the oil slick shimmer, and it feels small, a little suffocating. I decide not to think about it. I tell myself there will always be rain and always be sun, and as long as I wake up early and keep an eye out, there’s a chance the rainbow will be waiting.
I remember a time when I was little, maybe six or seven, and Mom took me to the science museum. There was a glass tunnel, and if you walked through at the right time of day, they’d filled it with artificial mist and project a fake rainbow along the curve. Every kid would run through, trying to catch the end of it, but the rainbow always stayed a step ahead, always out of reach. The guide told us it was impossible to touch, that you could never stand at the end of a rainbow, because you carried it with you everywhere you went. I didn’t buy it then, but now it makes sense. The rainbow is a chase, a moving target, but it’s also the reward: you just have to keep walking, keep looking up, and it’ll come find you.
I think about the double rainbow, how it marks out a kind of border, and I wonder if there’s a word for that feeling: not arrival, not belonging, but a sense of having been selected by the universe to witness something stupid and beautiful, even if it doesn’t last more than a few seconds. The rainbow doesn’t care if anyone is watching, but it still makes a show of it, strutting across the sky like a dare. I want to learn how to do that, how to exist just for myself, bright and untouchable and absolutely present.
I make it a ritual. Every morning, I look for the rainbow first thing, before I brush my teeth or check my phone, before I do anything else that matters or doesn’t. Sometimes it’s there, sometimes not. On the days it’s missing, I notice the lack, but I don’t panic. I know it’ll come back, because rain is always in the forecast, and autumn is just getting started. The rainbow is my check-in, my confirmation that the world still works, that the rules of light and water haven’t changed overnight. Most days, that’s enough.
I can feel the rainbow even when I don’t see it—the way it lines up my thoughts, gives order to the mess of my head. I try to think of other things, classes or Bro’s drama or what I’m going to do after graduation, but the rainbow always elbows back in, demanding its due. It’s become a part of the architecture, a fixture like the squeaky door or the noisy fridge, but so much more precise. The rainbow is always in the same place, at the same time, but never exactly identical. There’s a lesson in that, maybe, but I’m not ready to spell it out.
I tell myself it’s only a trick of the light, but it feels like more. A presence. A guarantee that when I look up, something will answer back. I like how that sounds, even if it’s just a lie I repeat until it’s true. I wonder if other people
every time I move, always there whether I’m brushing my teeth or microwaving leftovers or just standing there, looking, not even pretending to do anything else. In the kitchen, the rainbow runs a stripe along the wall above the toaster, bends itself to fit the corner of the cabinet, flickers off the dull white of the fridge. At breakfast I watch it halo the rim of my coffee mug, see it flicker in the spoon before I stir in the sugar. There’s something about the way it multiplies—first one, then a double, sometimes more if the angle’s right—and suddenly it’s rainbows all the way down, each one stacked on top of the last, never quite in the same place as before, but always nested together, repeating the arc and the color and the idea of it until you can’t find the edge of where it starts.
Sometimes I feel like the rainbow is a message, not from God or the universe or even the weather, but from the day itself, like every morning it’s trying to tell me what the day is going to be, or at least what it already is. Sometimes it means I should try harder, sometimes it means I should let myself go, sometimes it means I should keep my mouth shut and just be glad the rainbow is still here. It follows me back to my room, the colors stretched out and warped across all the posters and the cracked ceiling, a prism that never lines up with itself but never goes away, either. I think about that: how some people grow up with banners or medals or team colors, but for me the only flag I ever saw hanging in my room was the rainbow that showed up in October and sometimes lasted till December if the weather was right. It’s always there with me, not as a label or an answer or even a comfort, really, but as a dare. Like, can you be as obvious as this? Can you be as complete and ridiculous and unmissable as this? Can you be as honest as a rainbow, which is to say, can you be a thing that only exists because of every other thing happening just the way it does, can you be content with being the result of someone else’s light passing through you?
Even when I try to leave it behind, the rainbow comes with me, stuck in the oil slick on the sidewalk, in the glare off parked cars, in the flash of CDs stacked in the thrift store window. It’s inescapable, not just for me but for everyone who happens to look up at the right minute. I try to take pictures but they never work—the rainbow is always too bright or too washed out, too much for the phone to handle, too much for me to catch in a way that doesn’t flatten it out or turn it into something it isn’t. So I keep it for myself: the rainbow as memory, the rainbow as anchor, the rainbow as the reason I get up in the morning and the reason I can still come home after a day of being something less than the whole spectrum I’m supposed to be. I keep waiting for it to go away, for the sky to forget how to make it, but every time the rain lifts and the sun comes back, there it is, a little more faded or a little more intense, but always there, a signpost or a checkpoint or even just a joke the universe keeps playing on me, day after day, year after year.
I can’t decide if the rainbow is something I’m supposed to live up to or something I’m supposed to just live with. Maybe both? Either way, it’s always here; it isn’t something I graduated into or earned with a diploma or a clever essay, it’s just a fact, a condition, a challenge that can’t be shirked or failed or passed off on someone else. It marks out the space where I’m allowed to exist, the patch of the world that no one else can take from me, the bubble that holds all of my best and worst selves and tells me, here, this is yours, you don’t have to be anything else. The rainbow is not only for me, but it is of me, and that’s what matters: Rainbow is me.
Walking on the sidewalk beautiful fall day no clouds orange trees red trees leaves are falling happy and sad at the same time next year‘s smells of apple pie and baseball coming home for McLeron school to watch the World Series I am i 60 years old in 2022, or I’m I 10 years old 1972 I can’t seem to figure it out
The sidewalk was a strip of gray static running through the riot of the neighborhood’s color, and I followed it like a pulse line, trying not to step on any of the cracks because I still half believed the old rhyme about broken backs. The sun was out, warming my ears and the bridge of my nose, but the air was sharp—one of those perfect fall days, no clouds, just a blue so clear it felt like a dare. My feet shuffled through the ankle-high drift of leaves that had piled up along the curb, and each step set off a new crackle, sharp and brittle and loud, the sound of endings and beginnings all at once. I couldn’t decide if the trees were orange or red or just on fire, so I settled for all of the above, letting the colors burn through my eyes until I could smell them, the singe of crushed maple and the near-rotten sweetness rising from the grass where the leaves got wet and clumped together.
There was a weird ache in my chest, the kind you get when you realize you’re exactly where you want to be and also afraid you’ll never be able to stay there. The world felt smaller in the fall, like the sky and the ground were squeezing together to keep me in place, but it also felt infinite, because with every breath something new was happening—a gust of wind, a squirrel breaking cover, a neighbor shouting down the block, the sure rhythm of the day rolling on whether or not I wanted to move with it. Every sense was full. The taste of cold in my mouth, the echo of distant laughter, the sugar-and-cinnamon smell of pie from someone’s open window. I could almost see the years stacking up around me, layer after layer, the memory of every other walk home crowding into this one moment until I wasn’t sure if I was ten or sixty or both, stuck in a loop where nothing changed and everything did.
Ahead, the sidewalk turned and the air changed with it, the wind carrying the faraway scent of something scorched—maybe a backyard fire pit, maybe someone burning dinner—and underneath that, a dark, earthy note that was pure October. The leaves made a new pattern on the ground with every hour, and I watched the shadows flicker over my shoes, watched my own shadow shrink and stretch with every step, never quite matching the way I thought I looked. My backpack felt heavier than usual, even though I’d forgotten most of my books at school, and my hands kept drifting to the zipper to make sure it was still closed, that nothing important was falling out as I went. That was the other thing about fall: it was always a season of almost-lost things, of remembering too late or just in time, of holding on a little tighter because you could feel the days getting shorter, the sun setting a few minutes earlier every afternoon.
I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel—proud, like I’d made it to the next grade; nervous, because I was already behind in two classes; sad, because the year was almost over and I hadn’t done any of the things I’d promised myself I would; or happy, because this was my favorite time of year and the entire block seemed to know it, seemed to dress itself up just for my benefit. Mostly I felt tangled, like the present and the past were walking side by side, each one daring the other to sprint ahead and leave me in the dust. Somewhere between the sound of the leaves and the distant crack of a bat on a baseball field, I remembered that it was almost time for the World Series, and that meant nights on the couch with Dad, microwave popcorn, the glow of the TV painting the room in sudden blue light during every commercial break. That was the anchor, the thing that pulled all the years together—coming home in October, finding the house just warm enough inside, hearing the game on before I even got through the door.
I tried to hold onto that, to the feeling of coming home at the exact right moment, but the years wobbled in my head and I couldn’t quite pin down which one I was in. Was I the kid, sprinting the last stretch because the sun was already down and I was supposed to be home before dark, or was I the grown-up, walking slow on purpose, dragging my feet through the leaf piles because I didn’t have anywhere else to be? Maybe both. Maybe neither. I kept walking, kept breathing in the gold and red of the trees, kept waiting for the sidewalk to tell me where I belonged.
It was a strange kind of nostalgia, equal parts sweet and bitter, as if the very air was trying to remind me that every good thing has an expiration date. Each step I took on the sidewalk, I could feel the weight of every other step layered underneath it, a geology of footsteps that belonged to every version of myself that had ever walked this block—five years old, clutching my mother’s hand and skipping to match her long strides; ten and reckless, jumping the cracks with knees already stinging from yesterday’s crash; fifteen, slouching and scowling and pretending not to care that no one would walk beside me anymore. The sidewalk remembered all of it, and sometimes I thought the cracks were just the way it kept track of the years, a kind of secret calendar written in concrete and neglect.
The air that day was thick with reminders, each one as sharp as the chill on my bare arms. The sound of my sneakers scuffing over the leaves brought back the hollow percussion of a baseball in a mitt, the late-afternoon pop of a distant bat, and the echoing calls of kids who never seemed to get tired. At first I tried to walk fast, to outrun the feeling that I was somehow falling behind, but the faster I went, the more the memories stacked up—here was the house where I’d broken a window with a foul ball, and the scuffed spot on the curb where I’d first kissed someone whose name I can’t remember now. There was the mailbox that caught my backpack every Tuesday without fail, the metal bent from years of dumb accidents. None of it had changed, and all of it had.
But there was something new, too—a quality to the light I swear wasn’t there when I was a kid, the sunlight slanting sideways across the porches and lawns, so gold it looked too rich to be real. Maybe it was just the way my eyes worked now, or maybe the world really did get more beautiful the closer it got to ending. I noticed things I never used to: the way the leaves not only burned orange and red, but also curled in on themselves as they dried, little fists closing around the season’s last secrets. The way the air tasted sharper at dusk, like breathing in a promise that could only be kept if you stayed quiet and listened. The ache in my knees, subtle at first, then growing louder with every block, a reminder that the body keeps its own record, independent of the mind’s nostalgia.
I found myself counting breaths, counting steps, measuring the distance between the past and the present with whatever tools I had left. I wondered how many more times I’d get to walk this exact stretch before something changed so much that it wasn’t mine anymore. Would I even notice when the neighborhood shifted for good, when the houses and trees and people gave way to something else? Or would the sidewalk just keep holding onto my footprints, waiting for the day I came back and tried to fit myself into the outline I’d left behind?
The intersection was coming up, the one where the sidewalk forked in two directions. Every time I reached this spot, it felt like a decision was being made, even if it was just muscle memory or the pull of routine. One way led straight to my house, warm and yellow-lit and waiting; the other looped around the playground and took the long way home, past the field where the neighborhood kids still sometimes played until it was too dark to see. In my head, the fork was never just about getting home—it was about which self I wanted to be when I got there. The responsible one, the one who finished homework and set the table and answered questions with a yes or no? Or the ghost of the kid who used to rule the playground, who could throw a fastball and climb the monkey bars two at a time and never had to think about the next day, because every day was already full?
The leaves blew up against my ankles, little tornadoes of color that made the world feel in motion even when I stopped moving. Somewhere a lawnmower coughed to life, and the smell of cut grass mixed with the dry, smoky sweetness of burning leaves from down the block. I closed my eyes for a second, and in that dark, I could see October layered on top of every other October I’d ever lived, a stack of years so high it made me dizzy. I remembered the last time I’d watched the World Series with Dad, how he explained the rules in a way that made the game sound like a secret language, how he never yelled at the screen even when the home team blew a lead. I remembered the way the living room always felt different at night, somehow bigger and smaller at the same time, every corner lit up by the TV and every blanket still warm from whoever had been there last. I remembered the terror of being late, of knowing the streetlights were already on and that every house I passed was a witness to my failure to get home on time.
It was like the world was daring me to pick a lane, to decide who I was going to be from now on. But the truth was, I didn’t want to pick. I wanted to stay in the overlap, the blurry part where old and new selves could look at each other and nod in recognition. The sidewalk didn’t care which version of me showed up; it just kept going, steady and indifferent, collecting leaves and shoeprints and the slow accumulation of time.
I hesitated at the fork, suddenly aware of how quiet the neighborhood had become. The sun was almost gone, just a smear of gold behind the roofs, and the cold was starting to bite in a way that promised real winter wasn’t far off. In that moment, I felt the familiar ache of wanting everything and nothing to change at once. I wanted to be the kid who sprinted home, the grown-up who walked slow, the version of myself who would someday bring their own kid here and watch them try to jump every crack without missing a single one. I wanted to remember everything, and I wanted to forget just enough to make the present feel new.
I almost laughed at how dramatic it all felt, like the climax of a book I didn’t remember starting. But maybe that was the point—maybe every day was supposed to feel like a conclusion and a beginning, a chance to look at the same old world with eyes that had seen just enough to know how much could still change. I glanced down the block at the row of houses, each one with its own constellation of porch lights flickering on, and felt a weird gratitude for the sameness of it all. It was like the universe had decided that, just for tonight, everything could stay exactly as it was, no surprises, no disasters, just the slow turning of the seasons and the unremarkable beauty of a street I’d never bothered to name.
I kept walking, letting the sidewalk decide for me, content for once to follow the line instead of breaking from it. The sky had darkened just a little, and the first stars were starting to show, and I realized that no matter how confused I felt, I was exactly where I was supposed to be: on the sidewalk, in October, surrounded by all the colors I could never name, heading home.
For a second it feels like the year could go either way, like I could choose which one to live in, or maybe even both at once.

Searching for the great Zuby
by E. Micheal Bablin
We swept into the party in a gust of half-melted snow and enthusiasm, the air still thick with the rumors we’d trailed behind us—dumb, persistent, alive. Even before I’d kicked the slush from my boots, a stranger in a frightened yellow sweater leaned across the jammed foyer and informed us, “Zuby just left.” Not “hello,” not “can I take your coat,” but the news, hot and fresh, that we’d missed the sole reason anyone came to these events in the first place. This was the necessary disappointment, the script everyone rehearsed, and as the words landed they left a vacuum in my chest—a hollow, elastic snap like when you pull your hands apart after they’ve been glued with honey.
I stood uncertain in the vestibule, the last notes of someone’s laughter drifting around the corner and up the stairwell, the echo of a joke that had ended just before we arrived. There is a very particular aftertaste to having missed someone: it’s not absence, but presence gone molecular, something spirited into the air and taken up by every nostril. I could feel Zuby’s residue in the heat of the doorknobs, in the way each conversation muted itself as we passed, as if the room itself was a lung that had just exhaled him. Lightbulbs seemed to glow with a more golden, forgiving light in the wake of his departure. Coat sleeves brushed my own as guests shifted and repositioned, seeking a new equilibrium in his absence; I was certain that if I turned fast enough, some afterimage would flicker at the edge of vision, a blur of corduroy or the shaking tail of a sentence unfinished.
My companion (I think her name was Jorie, or possibly Jill; she preferred to be called neither) made a disparaging moue and shrugged her shoulders so far up they nearly met her earlobes. “Classic,” she muttered. “He knows exactly when to leave, doesn’t he?” I nodded, but the truth was less simple. Zuby didn’t just slip away—he became every room’s anticipated absence, the black hole around which every anecdote bent. I could hear him even now, in the story being retold by the credenza, a curling, self-regenerating narrative featuring Zuby as both protagonist and punchline. To miss Zuby was to inhabit a specific loneliness: one tinged with the hope that you might still catch him on the sidewalk, or at the very least, find a memory of him clinging to the banister or the rim of a wine glass.
We spilled further in, past the crowd of grad students and their urgent, peacock displays of cleverness, through steamy archways and into the heart of the kitchen, which was always the heart of any house worth the trouble of visiting. The counters were already stripped of their better offerings; only a single wedge of brie, sweating beneath harsh light, and a heap of bruised apples remained. Someone had lined up shot glasses full of something viscous and green, and a trio of philosophy undergrads hovered, performing the elaborate courtship rituals of their kind—lofty pronouncements, heavy laughter, strategic foot placement. Zuby was a constant reference point: “as Zuby would say,” “like that time with Zuby at the Solstice thing,” “the way Zuby just, you know, is.” It was as if the party had been engineered precisely to amplify his myth, a social echo chamber where his absence was more articulate than any presence.
I circled the rooms like a moth, certain that I’d find him if only I looked with sufficient cleverness or persistence. In the den, a woman in a cranberry velvet dress caught my sleeve and asked if I’d seen Zuby’s newest trick—the thing with the carrot and the lighter fluid—because “it’s the only time anyone really believed in magic since third grade.” She let me go only after extracting a promise that I’d report any sightings. On the back porch, a man with the hairless, unblinking look of late-stage academia offered me a cigarette and told me, sotto voce, that Zuby was really just “a symptom of the times,” proof that our generation would never recover from a deficit of authentic charisma. I smoked the cigarette to the filter just to keep him from asking my opinion.
Above all, I was haunted by the certainty that Zuby was not truly gone, only lurking in a probability cloud, waiting for me to look away so he could collapse back into certainty. I remembered every previous encounter: the time I lost him at the mall, only to discover him in a mall I’d never heard of, three hours away; the time he left a wedding in the middle of a slow dance, only to appear in the wedding photos, arm-in-arm with the bride’s great aunt; the time he showed up at my own birthday party, uninvited, and vanished again before the cake was even cut, leaving behind a signed playing card and a single, perfect origami swan. Zuby was always two steps ahead, which meant I could never catch him, but I could try, and for reasons I could never articulate, I always did.
I kept moving, because motion was the only way to stay in the gravitational field Zuby left behind. As I pushed through the crush in the living room, a volley of laughter shattered the conversation and everyone’s head swiveled toward the staircase. For a nanosecond, I felt a seismic shift—was it possible, had he returned? But no, it was only the host, flushed and panting, holding a tray of mismatched shot glasses and telling everyone that the real party would be on the roof. My disappointment was so palpable that Jorie/Jill called me out on it in front of half a dozen people.
“You know he’s not actually better than anyone else,” she said, and the words rang out with that peculiar clarity that only comes from mild intoxication and private disappointment. I didn’t answer, because the question wasn’t whether Zuby was better; it was whether I would ever be satisfied with merely being present when Zuby was not. I drifted through the rooms, gathering stories and fragments, cramming them into my pockets like so many party favors: the legend of the time Zuby ate an entire lemon, rind and all; the rumor that he once convinced a dean to cancel finals for an entire department; the whispered assertion that he’d been seen, recently, at the train station with a suitcase full of unmarked envelopes, headed somewhere no one could pronounce. I collected them all, not only for myself, but for the future moment when I’d encounter Zuby again, and he would expect me to be up to speed.
The night, as all such gatherings are fated to do, began dismantling itself with a sort of cunning inertia—a slow-motion collapse masked by the crescendo of stereo, the clatter of empties, and the mounting warmth of bodies. There’s always a moment, never marked but always known, when the party’s spirit snaps from exquisitely possible to irretrievably gone, and I could feel it happening even as I made my slow, thwarted orbits of the house. The kitchen, once a warren of tactical flirtation and wine-glass semaphore, had thinned to a few diehards pecking at the remains of the cheese plate, scraping the wax rind for dregs of flavor. The living room, which had seemed so vast and luminous when I first entered, now bristled with conversational knots—tight, insular clusters of laughter that closed ranks whenever I approached. Even the staircase, which had earlier functioned as a kind of social launchpad, now bore a single, desultory couple huddled together and discussing, in voices barely audible, whether to call a cab or push their luck for another hour.
I moved through these spaces with a sense of mounting unreality, half in the moment and half remote, as if watching my own life from a mezzanine. With every lap around the house, my certainty that Zuby might still be lurking somewhere—some hidden pantry, some shadowy guest bathroom—grew at once more desperate and more absurd. I began to notice the other repeaters, the pilgrims on their own private circuits: the guy in the baseball tee who compulsively checked his phone in each room, the woman who kept losing and then finding her purse, the philosophy undergrads orbiting the liquor table in search of a new audience for the same, slowly mutating anecdotes. In their movements I saw a kind of kinship, a silent acknowledgment that we were all here not for the party itself, but for the possibility that something—or someone—might yet happen.
As the hour grew later, the boundaries between rooms and between strangers eroded, and the house became a single, undulating organism—louder, sweatier, more prone to spontaneous eruptions of song or dance or sudden, inexplicable weeping. I found myself wedged into a hallway alcove with three acquaintances whose names I could not retrieve, all of us shouting to be heard over a Stevie Nicks song that had been put on ironic repeat. One of them, a guy with a beard sculpted so precisely it felt like a dare, confessed to having once taken a road trip with Zuby and “some girl who only ate beige foods.” This led to a round-robin of Zuby stories, each one more improbable than the last: the time he’d convinced an entire pub to sing “Happy Birthday” to a goldfish; the night he’d gotten locked in a botanical garden and spent the entire evening naming every plant after an NBA player; the semester he’d infiltrated a sorority under an assumed name, lasting nearly two months before exposure. For a while I was content to listen, letting each new tale layer itself onto my own mental collage of the man, but eventually I found myself staring at the baseboard, counting the carpet tacks, my attention fraying at the edges.
I slipped away, quietly, and drifted toward the back of the house, following the faint pull of cool air and the promise of temporary solitude. The sliding glass door led onto a narrow deck, where a handful of smokers shivered in their coats and watched the streetlights halo the falling snow. Here, conversation took on a different timbre—softer, less performative—and I found myself unexpectedly confiding in a woman with a cigarette perched at a comical angle from her lips. She asked if I was “one of Zuby’s people,” and I hesitated before answering, unsure if the category was meant as praise or mockery. When I finally nodded, she offered a knowing, almost sympathetic smile, as if to say: You’re not the first, and you won’t be the last.
We talked for a while about nothing—weather, the relative merits of local pizza places, the enduring mystery of who actually owned the house—before the conversation drifted back, inevitably, to him. She told me that Zuby had called her once in the middle of the night, from a payphone at the edge of a county fair, just to read her the entire text of a warning label he’d found on a ride called the Zipper. “He said it would be important for me to remember it one day,” she laughed, taking a drag. “I still have no idea why.” There was no bitterness in her tone, only a kind of bemusement, as if she’d long ago come to terms with the fact that Zuby’s logic was a closed system, self-consistent and utterly impervious to outside influence.
I left the deck and wandered back inside, where the party had reached its final, inevitable stage: the scattered survivors, the makeshift beds assembled from couch cushions and throw blankets, the host moving from room to room with the dazed affect of a parent accounting for children after a storm. There was a sense of aftermath, of stories already congealing into legend, and I felt a loneliness so acute it bordered on the sublime. I circled the house one last time, testing every door, peering into closets and behind curtains, half-hoping for an apparition, a last-minute reversal, a Zuby-shaped shadow thrown against the wall by the glow of the refrigerator.
Instead I found myself alone in the mudroom, staring at the heap of winter boots and coats that had multiplied during the course of the evening. I sat on the bench and listened to the muffled echoes of laughter from the other rooms, their voices at once so close and so impossibly distant. It struck me then that Zuby’s absence was not a single event, but a condition of the world—a kind of weather, always moving ahead of you, always receding even as you pursued it. I felt the urge to call him, to leave a voicemail or a text, but I knew better. The game was not to reach him, but to keep reaching, to stay in motion even as the coordinates shifted and the target dissolved.
Sometime after two, I found Jorie/Jill slumped in the armchair, her posture gone loose and provisional. She roused herself enough to smirk at me and say, “You’re still looking for him, aren’t you?” I didn’t deny it. Instead, I asked her if she thought anyone would really remember this night, or if it would just blur into the general wash of parties and semesters and years. She thought about it, then said, “Every story needs a Zuby, even if he’s not around to hear it.” I liked the sound of that, even if I wasn’t sure I believed it.
As the party dwindled and the house emptied, I began to help with the cleanup—tossing bottles, stacking plates, wiping the sticky residue from the counters. It was a small act of faith, a way of insisting that the night had mattered, that the evidence of our presence should linger at least until morning. For a while I worked in silence, then with the host, who was grateful but too tired to say much beyond thank you and good night.
Eventually, with the house returned to a semblance of order, I stepped outside into the cold, the snow now falling in thick, leisurely flakes. The street was empty, the windows of the neighboring houses dark. I stood for a long time on the porch, letting the night air bleach the noise from my head, and thought about all the places Zuby could be—some after-party, some diner, some train already out of town. Or maybe, just maybe, he was nowhere at all, content to exist in the stories we told about him.
But I kept moving, scanning every face, every doorway, every possibility, waiting for the moment when the great Zuby would materialize again—if not in this lifetime, then in whatever lifetime awaited the people who never learned to stop hoping.


They had sworn an oath, the protectors, an alliance forged not from trust but necessity—to guard the princess, who was now Empress of the Warrasua. She would travel by proxy and by fate alone; her future settled by signatures, her name now Argonne. She was only fourteen, Princess of the First League, selected for a distant Emperor as the last desperate offering to peace. “The Confederation of the Three Leagues” was once vibrant, full of energy and rivalries and life, but the great war broke it into fragments. Millennia of fighting meant a century of devastation. Millions dead; the plague that arrived after the slaughter gnawed on the skeleton of hope, left in the eleven empires. All that remained was unity—but unity in name only, pieced together with treaties and arranged marriages and brittle words, nothing like what came before.
The journey itself was ritual as much as passage—a procession across darkening waters, carrying with them the future. Argonne’s retinue: Arcturus, first among her companions, and a solemn guard numbering twenty-seven. Their purpose, explicit and sacred, was to accompany the royal girl to her distant, unknown sovereign and the awaiting court.
On deck, days and nights passed in salt-silvered cycles. What gave Argonne comfort, or at least distraction, was her gathering of stories. She collected fables, seemingly naive and harmless, plucked from the memories of her shattered league like small, pale feathers from some extinct bird. Yet with each new tale, she began to sense the depth beneath the surface—a sediment of secrets, causeways of memory, each myth carrying more torque than anyone could have believed. The innocent-seeming narrative, once deciphered, would change everything.
The first and longest stretch of the journey was always the sea, and so it was now: Argonne and her retinue adrift on tide and treaty, bearing the collective future of their people toward the unknown. The ocean, in this latitude, was not temperate blue but a roiling slate, each passing hour bringing a heavier ceiling of cloud to press them downward, until the very act of breathing seemed an affront to the weight of the world. The water carried not only their ironclad vessel, but also the ache of all who had sailed before—armadas and refugees, the grand flotillas of empire, and the hollow-eyed survivors of the last Confederation war, exiled to the margins of memory. The brine was inescapable; it clung to skin, marinated every cloth and hair, and left tongues swollen with an unquenchable thirst. There was a myth, Arcturus told her, that the sea was simply the mouth of some ancient and patient beast, and all rivers were the routes it used to taste the world. To Argonne, the sound of the waves lapping the hull became the low, reverential chant of that monster—waiting, always, for the next mouthful.
The ship was a relic, its bulk imported from a dynasty so ancient its makers were a rumor. Even so, the vessel had been retrofitted for this singular voyage: every hold and cabin sealed, every deck reinforced, every window replaced with shatterproof glass. The crew, like the ship itself, seemed assembled from mismatched centuries. Old men who still believed in ghosts and omens. Young women who slipped between languages with the agility of cats. Hungry orphans, indentured for the promise of a meal at journey’s end. The captain, a woman called Mraz, wore a coat braided with medals from every empire, but she trusted only the compass she kept chained to her throat. This was the company that ferried the future Empress of Warrasua, each member sworn to secrecy and survival, their loyalty as brittle as the salt caking their boots.
But the ship’s true cargo, and the reason for all this ritual and vigilance, was Argonne herself. She spent most days in her cabin, confined not by decree but by the gravity of her own thoughts. The space was sparse: a cot, a desk bolted to the floor, a single trunk containing letters of state and the ceremonial garb she would wear upon her arrival. Arcturus alone was permitted to join her for meals, though most days the two sat in pointed silence, the air thick with unspoken fear. At night, after the lamps were doused and the decks patrolled by the silent honor guard, Argonne would rise and pace the length of her quarters, reciting the stories she had gathered, her voice a hushed counterpoint to the restless sea.
She had begun this habit as a child, back when stories were simply stories and not the currency of survival. Her mother, a Queen of the First League, taught her that every myth was an encrypted map—each fable a vector in the greater geometry of power. Now, with every recitation, Argonne sifted for patterns, for molecules of meaning that might be recombined into the formula for her own fate. She was not naive: she knew that history was a ledger, and that her name, newly minted, was already being balanced against the debts of a thousand ancestors.
On the thirteenth day, the lookout announced the first sighting of Skyborn, the port city that marked the edge of the Classbe Empire. At first it was only a rumor on the horizon, a distortion in the air, then a finger of smoke, and finally the silhouette of towers like ribs prying open the sky. The anticipation on deck was palpable, the guards assembling in their finest livery, their faces composed yet tight. Arcturus brought her news of the city’s approach, and for the first time in weeks, Argonne found herself drawing a full breath.
Yet with every mile nearer to Skyborn, the air grew heavier. Stories abounded of the city’s cruelty: how the Classbe lords preserved their own dead in crystal and displayed them as warnings; how no foreigner had ever left its gates unchanged, and most never left at all. The city’s walls were rumored to be laced with the bones of conquered peoples, and its libraries were said to contain not books but the preserved tongues of traitors, catalogued by dialect and infraction. Even the sea recoiled as they drew close, the surf churning with a violence that seemed personal.
The guards conferred in whispers, their formation shifting to cover every approach, as if they expected an assault from the very air. Mraz, the captain, summoned Argonne to the bridge for the formal briefing. There, she explained the approach protocol: they would sail under a flag of truce, fire no cannon, and transmit their cargo manifest to the city’s harbormaster in perfect transparency. Any deviation would trigger a response from the skyward batteries, which could sink a fleet in one volley. Argonne listened, nodding at every clause, her mind already mapping the routes of escape, the tones of deference she might employ, the way each word would weigh against the scales of suspicion.
When the city finally enveloped them, the effect was total. The sound of the sea was replaced by the clangor of iron bells, the caw of engineered carrion birds, the ceaseless grind of gears and pulleys that moved the city’s great bridges. Porters swarmed the docks, faces masked in the livery of their syndicates. The docking itself was an ordeal: first the ship was boarded by inspectors in mirrored helmets, who sniffed every crate and scanned every document, then the passengers were led single-file onto the wharf, each one branded with an invisible mark that would track them through the city’s labyrinthine streets.
Argonne walked at the center of her procession, every eye upon her. She wore the ceremonial white of the First League, the fabric so fine it seemed spun from cloud. At her side, Arcturus looked less like a companion and more like a sentinel, his hand never far from the hilt of his blade. The walk from the dock to the Embassy was less than a mile, but it took hours, each intersection guarded by checkpoints and crowds of onlookers. Some jeered, others stared with blank, predatory curiosity. Argonne kept her gaze ahead, replaying the fables in her mind like a shield.
The embassy was a fortress of glass and stone, staffed by a skeleton crew of loyalists from the old Confederation. Here, at last, the retinue could rest. The guards were billeted in a barracks carved into the embassy’s basement, and Arcturus disappeared to confer with the city’s intelligence contacts. Argonne was escorted to the diplomatic suite—a room that smelled of wax and old paper, its windows shuttered tight against the possibility of listening devices. The only decoration was a mural depicting the founding of Skyborn: a thousand faceless figures kneeling before a single, red-caped ruler.
Alone for the first time since their arrival, Argonne allowed herself a moment to collapse. She lay back on the stiff embassy bed and stared at the mural, tracing the arc of each kneeling supplicant with her eyes. Somewhere in the city, the Emperor awaited her, ready to claim the prize that was her life and name. She wondered if he knew the stories she carried, if any of them would matter, or if she was merely another offering to the maw of empire.
Yet even here, marooned on the far side of history, she felt the old compulsion: to gather, to catalogue, to retell. She rose from the bed, found a scrap of paper and a pen, and began to write the story of her own arrival—not as a victim or a pawn, but as the last, defiant archivist of the First League. It would be a small thing, likely destroyed or forgotten, but she would leave it nonetheless, a fable embedded in the bone of this place.
“You can only go forward by knowing where you came from.” The words echoed, ballast against the ocean’s rolling uncertainty. Argonne drew from the past at every turn, gathering fables from the first league and committing them to mind with careful diligence. With Arcturus and the other companions, the fables multiplied. In the gentle hush of her quarters, she whispered them aloud, fingers tracing sigils in the air as if each story could steer her ship or her heart toward safety.
Stories had always clung to her, tenacious as the salt in the seams of her cloak and persistent as the tides that battered the hull. They did not only follow Argonne, they defined her. Every fable—a fragment of myth or memory, gleaned from the old halls or whispered in sickrooms back home, now bundled tightly for the journey—not only promised survival but created its own strange gravity, pulling at her with a weight that could not be ignored. The Confederation, gaunt with war and parched by plague, fastened its last longing for peace on the slim promise of a child’s untested oath, and upon those thin-walled vessels of understanding that legend alone could shape. Argonne herself, just fourteen, crossed the Great Sea with twenty-seven companions. Her only inheritance: stories, hoarded and sealed against cold or doubt, her future interleaved entirely with scrapings from the past, myth, and the brittle hope that some hidden lesson within might prevent disaster.
Initially, the Princess did not speak. Nothing at all. Their party departed in silence from Ammerall’s citadel, leaving behind the unmoving gray of the stone towers, the hush of emptied corridors, the cold that filled a place when its voices faded out for good. She retreated to her cabin, almost vanishing inside herself, a breathless hush more than a presence. Everything about her—the stillness, the way she folded her limbs as if to vanish into air, the squared jaw when spoken to but never answering—made it clear she was not ready to let go. Not her homeland, not the friends knotted around her childhood, not the echo of steps she once matched stride for stride along castle galleries. Only duty, fraying but unbroken, bound her to the voyage. Sometimes she dreamed, but only in fragments: the freedom to choose, not simply the unyielding cloak of responsibility, so heavy it smothered every other wish. That was gone now, replaced by the endless ship’s beat and the relentless ocean, carrying her toward a future determined not by her but for her. Her fate: to marry a stranger, serve a cause she could not decipher, and deliver herself to a people condemned as savage, feared as cannibals. She was told it would bring peace, though the logic of that sacrifice eluded her. Resolute and isolated, the Princess endured, and her stories endured with her, as if between them they might anchor her to a version of herself she could still claim.

By E Micheal Bablin c2025
There are those people who write novels in this world to become famous and make money, bestseller-list types who stalk the market and trend like wolves, noses twitching for the next fix of relevance, casting their prose as bait for film options. Their faces, you see, float on the backs of dust jackets in big-box bookstores, grinning through a veneer of mass-appeal, all flashbulb and advance checks. Some of them probably never even cared if the words themselves meant anything, so long as the words accumulated, like landfill, under their name. Even when the author photo is blurred or cropped, the impulse beams through: they want to be known, to be quoted at dinner parties, to have their words dropped like incantations by late-night hosts and columnists. They chase the reader’s gaze as if it might transmute them into something more than a clever monkey in a blazer with a contract. If you ever talk to one at a conference—say, over the ruinous chardonnay of a hotel bar—listen for their hunger: it is half shark, half showman. They speak of “platform,” not legacy; of “audience,” not language. Their epics become franchises, their epistolary novels thinly-disguised bid sheets. Fame, money, or at least a memorial plaque on the wall of a chain coffee shop in a suburb.
There are those people who write novels in the world because they’re notorious, or who seem to take a weird, unwholesome pleasure in the propagation of violence and mayhem. They’re not the same as the bestseller wolves, exactly—instead of hunting the herd, they want to scatter it, incite a stampede, let the bodies pile up and call it literature. They sharpen their sentences on the bones of other people’s suffering; they build entire careers out of spilling blood on the page, delighting in the fallout and public outrage. They are the connoisseurs of infamy, the engineers of controversy—writing not so much to seduce the reader as to punch them in the face, leave a bruise, maybe even a permanent scar. Their works become the forbidden objects in high school lockers and under dorm-room mattresses, banned from libraries but circulating like a viral disease in the dark. you know them by the way they cultivate enemies, by the way their very names can silence a room, by the way they seem to relish the public burnings and the hate mail. They want to be infamous, and if it takes a little literary arson to get there—burning bridges, torching reputations, immolating the last remaining taboos of the century—they’ll light the match, every time. There is a theory that these writers are acting out a larger social necrosis, the death wish of an empire in its decline, but I think it’s something simpler and sadder. They like to make trouble, and this is the only way left that’s legal.
Then there’s the third way. The third way is made up of people who never had any right to write a novel at all, at least according to the world. Not the trust fund Ivy kids or the wounded prodigies, but the ones who came to language late, sometimes backwards, sometimes sideways, sometimes as a byproduct of jobs, or illness, or the accidental slant of immigrant voices at the dinner table. They were born into the permanent backdraft of the American machine, churning out their years in check-out aisles, food courts, car washes, nursing homes, and high school kitchens—learning the shape of words only as a function of survival, not as a ladder to some cathedral of taste. These writers didn’t start with books in the house, or if there were books, they came second-hand, water-damaged, or found in a dumpster beside the old TV and the remnants of last night’s Hamburg and Peas. They wrote because no one else was ever going to write about them, or for them. They wrote because the stories in their heads were the only inheritance they’d ever be allowed to keep.
You’d know them, if you met one, by the stains on their hands or the way their knuckles tell the history of shit jobs and self-repair. Their sentences might have strange gaps, like teeth knocked out in a bar fight, and their grammar might lurch or limp, but every line is a compulsion, a work-around for the way the world never gave them a straight shot. Some of their stories are patched together from borrowed library time, written in spiral notebooks that crook and …., or typed in the flicker between the second and third shift at a job that’s killing them. Many writers exist in a hidden canon, unpublished and uninterested in publishing, doubting anyone would care. Who would listen? The answer: almost no one, until the day someone does, and then it gets out that the best stories come from the people with the least reason to tell them. If you read these stories, you’d find yourself in the company of voices that have never been on a panel or a syllabus, voices that have gone hoarse from shouting over the TV or the factory floor, voices that know what it’s like to get a rejection letter and use it to line a birdcage, or light a fire, because that’s what rejection is good for—fuel or bedding.
They are not much for manifestos or trends, these working class scribblers. If you asked what they wanted, they might say something like: “I just want to tell it like it was.” Or maybe: “I want to make a story that sounds like how people really talk, not how they think they should talk on the radio.” They live in places where literature is mostly a rumor, and “writer” is maybe the word for the guy who sets up the menu boards at the pizza place. Their ambitions are not for accolades, but for accuracy: to get the feeling right, the moment right, the punchline right, the way the world can be cruel and hilarious in the same breath. Their audience might be no one at all, or maybe just the one person they secretly love, or hate, or need to impress because that person is their entire universe and the only review that matters. They don’t have MFA workshops, but if you listen, the break room or the bus stop or the back of a Denny’s at three a.m. is its own kind of creative writing seminar, and you can hear the edits happening in real time.
Now and then, one of these writers gets loose in the world and the world doesn’t know what to do except make it a novelty, an anomaly, a “voice from the margins.” They get described in profiles with words like “gritty” or “authentic” or “raw,” as if the work itself is a slab of meat and not the fragile labor of a person who would have gladly taken a better life over the chance to write about a miserable one. But here’s the trick: their stories will outlive all the others, because they contain something the market can’t synthesize, and the controversy-mongers can’t fake—something like truth, or pain, or a sense of humor about the whole goddamn mess. It’s the third way, the unglamorous path, the slow leak of language from the bottom of the world. This story is written by one such person.
E Micheal Bablin
by E Micheal Bablin
In 2002, I was cleaning out my parents’ house on Clizbe Ave, Amsterdam, NY .
In the attic, I found a collection of antique stereoscope cards. I saved the collection from the dumpster and took it home. Among the cards was a photograph. It is a photo of a woman, dressed in a per-World War I fashion.
Searching for her identity led me to the story of the modern cardboard box, and its conceptual design, which begins in Amsterdam, New York. I discovered that this woman (Jessie Warner) is a daughter of John Warner.
John Warner was the President of the American Box Machine Company (ABMC) in Amsterdam. This public Company was incorporated in 1885. John Warner was President, Horace Inman was manager, Arthur De Forest was Treasurer, and Bernard Finlayson was Secretary. In 1885, the cardboard box was cutting-edge technology. Everything before then had to be shipped by the barrel, crate, or in a bottle. The invention of the cardboard box led to a significant decline in shipping costs, and the person who held the patent on this machine stood to make a fortune.
John Warner, who arrived from England in 1856 and settled in Amsterdam in 1860, resided on Pearl Street. He married a Scottish woman, Jannette Mitchell. They made an acquaintance with a close neighbor, Arthur De Forest. Warner and DeForest had their own knitting mill. Warner, from England with a Scottish wife, made their acquaintance with another Scotsman, Robert Gair, who held the patent rights for the box machine.
Of course, there’s a world of difference between conceptual engineering and practical engineering. The practical engineer was Horus Inman. Horus was a self-made man; his parents died young, and he was raised by relatives in Hagaman. He taught himself engineering.
What Warner and Inman needed was a nice, quiet place to build their prototype. The road from Hagaman to Amsterdam took Inman down by the old Clizbe farm in sparsely populated Rock Town, past the old flower mill. Inman and Warner built their prototype in the old flower mill in Rock City, now located at 2 Hewitt Street, Rockton, Y. The prototype of the first modern cardboard-making machine in America was made in this place. We know it today as the Creekside restaurant and brewpub.
This was going to be a significant industry in Amsterdam, New York, but then everything seemed to go wrong. March 30, 1890. Benjamin Finlayson dies of diabetes, the son-in-law and close friend of DeForest. Finlayson was only 33 years old and left behind a wife and children, as well as being the secretary of the American Box Machine Company. In 1895, John Warner died in Route from Europe to America, dying aboard a steamer due to a heart attack.
In 1896. A fire at the building known as “John Warner’s Sons’ property (Creekside Tavern). That year, Horace Inman was arrested several times for smashing counterfeit box machines in Canajoharie,
And all the time, the lawsuits kept coming. The largest one resulted in the Company losing $10,000.
“John Warner’s Sons’ (Creekside) was declared bankrupt January 19, 1903. And sold to Louis Harrower at auction. Harriet Warner, who still lived at Clizbe Ave., filed her own personal papers at that time, separating her from the Company and thereby saving her home, Clizbe Ave., from foreclosure.
December 19, 1904, the application was made for the dissolution of the(A B M C), and on December 17, 1904, the corporation no longer exists.
I have found one postscript: more evidence to my lady in the photograph in the attic, a picture of John Warner Junior in a World War I uniform. Listing his place of residence as Clizbe. His employment is listed as Harrower Mill, 2 Hewitt St., and his job is listed as a box maker.


I was there at the fall of Byzantium. By E. Michael. Bablin
I was there at the fall of Byzantium. It was the great House—the only home I knew—and I grew up in it. I remember the kittens in the yard, the beautiful spring days gathering, dandelions, and violet flowers, Sunday dinners, and Grandpa and Grandma coming over, speaking in an ancient tongue—Lithuanian. But now, the Barbarians are at the gate. The great gates have been breached. The gates that I thought would never collapse finally collapsed.
I was there at the fall of Byzantium. That excellent House is on top of the hill at the corner of Clisby and Ellsworth. So big it had two addresses. Surrounded by an ancient stone wall. We used to play out with our Tonka trucks on. A stone wall was built long before our grandparents were born. That grand inner palace that we all grew up in. The yard to play hide and seek. The yard for the football field. The yard for the baseball diamond. The driveway with the basketball court. The frozen pond for the ice hockey.
I was there at the fall of Byzantium. In all its glory, Glory time. The parents were young, healthy, and vibrant. I remember some summer sunshine and drinking iced tea. And planting flowers. And the vegetable garden, polishing the boat to take it to Sacandaga Lake. Or take the camper camping in the summertime, or the great big station wagon we’d all pile in on, and we would go somewhere exciting and new. But we always knew that we would come back to the grand home all the time. The Great House we called Byzantium.
I was there at the fall of Byzantium, where one by one, each brother and sister would graduate from school and move away. Sadly, they drove away, but they weren’t sorry or happy. And one by one, each element of Byzantium became smaller and smaller. The empire that we knew shrunk slowly and slowly through the years. I remember when my time came. We played with a band in the garage with my college buddies. Back then, I didn’t think of Byzantium falling; I simply thought of going and doing great things in the world. But I had to go. We all had to go like the brothers and sisters before and after me.
I was there at the fall of Byzantium. We thought it would never fall. But the old Emperor died on his way home. He was going to the Queen Mary in Long Beach, CA. Just one more trip, just one more adventure. The day he died, he said. I have all the time in the world. He had just bought a new car. And it was Memorial Day. A day to always memorialize. The old Emperor died on Memorial Day in the driveway of his Byzantium. And we were all sad. And we were all shocked. And still, it was a bright, sunny day. And now we feel happy. The Emperor has gone to a better place.
I was there at the fall of Byzantium for the last two years when the Empress lived alone. Slowly, the aged Empress would go from room to room. In every bedroom, corner, and mantelpiece, she would set up pictures of her children and grandchildren and candles on every dresser table. She created the whole House into one shrine. In every room, one after the other until the whole of Byzantium became an entire house shrine with candles, pictures, and household gods on every corner of every room.
I was there at the fall of Byzantium.
I was there at the fall of Byzantium.
I was there at the fall of Byzantium, and the driveway was gone. The apple tree where we picked apples was gone. The bean patch was where we grew vegetables and saw ballerinas. Was gone. The small bikes in the yard were gone. The newspaper route. Was gone. The elementary school was gone. The wood-burning stove was gone. The Elm trees were gone. Everything that we did growing up was gone until finally. The new people came to close on the House. And with the signing of a piece of paper. Was gone.
Do you have a Byzantium, too? Has yours gone yet, or is it still there? Trust me when I say it will be gone one day, and everything you grew up and knew as a child will be gone. 1 Corinthians 13:11 As a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. And you will. You will have no choice in this matter because whether you like it or not, Byzantium will fall. You just have to be strong. , because in the end, it was just a house. It was just property.
I was there at the fall of Byzantium.
I was there at the fall of Byzantium.
I was there at the fall of Byzantium.
I was there at the fall of Byzantium.
I was there at the fall of Byzantium. Amen.
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